Parent Coach Tips: Parenting In Public

Toddler Smack Down

It happened again.  I’m at a bagel joint minding my own business when the 2 year old at the next table hauls off and whacks mom in the face.  I get that sinking feeling that I get when I know I’m about to watch 1) a woman go parental 2)a child be stripped of all dignity 3) I get a front row seat.  Let the inner moan begin…

But wait, what’s that I see?  Did Mom just say firmly, yet quietly, You Do Not Hit! as she moved the wee one away from her to the next seat and effectively stopped being a target?  Yes!  And when the toddler puts on her best face of horror and begins the crying that fully involves her bottom lip, am I mistaken that mom is unmoved and turns her attention to the other people, talking with them until the girl quiets down?  No I am not!  I am enthralled…

What I am witnessing is impeccable parenting, technically sound reactions and skill building lessons that this child (and her new baby brother) will benefit from for their lifetime and beyond.  Hurrah!  But wait there’s more…now mom turns her attention back to her calm child and asks if she is done.  With a meek yes, she is scooped back up to an embrace and the loving interactions continue as if nothing happened.  It was nothing short of breathtaking.

How many times have we seen nails-on-chalkboard parenting in public that has us warring inside between speaking up, getting involved and butting out?  People ask all the time what to do.  Emotionally, you want to respond but it may make things worse for the child later.  Responsibily, you are compelled to act, yet it seems you are passing judgement if you do.  Practically, it is not appropriate to offer unsolicited advice or redirect a struggling parent.  In the case of extreme violence, you know what to do.  If someone’s parenting style doesn’t gel with yours, the line is more blurred.

Here’s what I suggest; look for, seek out, encourage and notice the parenting marvels around you.  When you see something done well, go out of your way to let them know you noticed.  I went over to the table, complimented the baby, asked the sister’s name, then looked into that mom’s eyes and told her the way she handled her child just now, was just… beautiful.  We both teared up in the moment.   

Teacher use praise to motivate behavior we want to see more of, but it must be specific, not Good Job.  In sharing exactly what was so impressive, she got valuable feedback.  Find the parents like her, tell them how happy you are they are rocking it.  It feels awesome!

Parent Coaching Tip: Are You To Blame? YES!

Do you take credit for the job you do?

I have news for parents.  It IS all your fault. 

Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you.  But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child.  As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior.  Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name.  This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it.  I get that. 

What I don’t get is the opposite effect.  When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will “blame” something else for the turnaround they created!

One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family!  They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child!  NOT!

I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week.  It was so hard for Mom to endure.  Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back.  WOW!  Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress!  This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.

I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK  to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be!  Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today.  But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…

Parent Coaching Tip: Types Of Crying & Then What?

What Type Is This?

There are 6 Types of Crying if you care to learn them.  BTW the crying behavior looks different at different ages, so by crying I also mean, whining, fussing, yelling, bickering, complaining, name calling, and general verbal outbursts.  This could turn your Power Struggles around instantly. 

Sad or Hurt Crying is when you need to respond.  Don’t assume though, ask.  Are you hurt crying?  Are you sad about your friend moving?  If they are, provide kisses, bandaids, ice, hugs, comfort, listen and sympathize at will.  This is when they need you and need to deal with a feeling to get it out. 

Happy Crying is just like it sounds.  When they are that Happy, join them!  If you happen to be the one weeping with joy, say that so they don’t fret over you!

Tired Crying or Attention Crying are a means to an end that you may be able to help them with.  Think long car trips with cranky kids or upsets when you are on the phone and you see the problem.  It’s not what they need, it’s how they ask.  Teach them to say, “I’m tired,” when they need help settling down or the activity to quiet.  Model for them saying, “I want attention,” when they crave a piece of you.  Let them know that you will indulge them unless you absolutely can’t but they need to ask another way.  This works amazingly, try it!

Silly Crying is when they are trying to manipulate those around them to a different result.  Think of this type of behavior as a fire which must be starved of any and all oxygen in order to smother it!  As soon as you have a cryer, make sure it is not another type, if they just want something they can’t get (at the moment), that’s TBSS (Too Bad SO Sad).  This is where our parenting backbone is tested.  Be clear that if they use this crying, NOTHING will happen and NOTHING will go their way.  Be confident and do not undermine yourself!  Let’em wail and wait it out (preferably in another room) when they have self control back, you talk.  Not before.

See Dawn Roth Live! The 6 Min Look At Her Parenting Crash Course

The calendar is booking up with folks wanting their community to experience The Parenting Crash Course.  We will be appearing at private schools, preschools, birth centers, womanhood/pregnancy spas, mom’s groups, performing arts schools, women’s conferences, community centers, transitional living centers for foster care youth and many more.

To see if your group can get a spot, share this link then contact us for details. 

It is a no cost way to offer value to your families and give them a way to create peace and teamwork at home.  In this economy how valuable would that be?  One Mom just reported this:  4 Days in Orlando, 3 Parks, 2 kids under 6, 1 privilege at risk = 0 POWER STRUGGLES!  Find out what that is all about.

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Parent Coach Tip: Kids Can’t Demand-Or Can They?

Kids & Destiny

I am happy to have had Sonia in my life for the past “school year,” but more than that, I am honored that she has chosen to join the team at Licensed 2 Parent as a Parent Coach Intern.  She has taken on learning a lot and shows a true passion for families and creating peace by example.  I have asked her to ocasionally contribute to the blog with her own experiences along the way!  She writes about a particularly cool moment:

Why can’t I demand?!  My 5 year old son wants to know.  We teach that parents are allowed to make Demands.  Children are taught to powerfully Request, but Demands (of their parents or others) are not acceptable.  During a weekend Intensive I attend for Self Discovery, I considered another answer.  When I do inner work to move myself forward, I DEMAND of myself to be my best, my highest, my greatest, etc.  

 

 

Wait a minute, can’t kids can demand of themselves?  They can demand anything they want of themselves.  When I shared this with my son, he liked it!  I saw the empowerment he felt.  It removed the separation that ONLY a parent (or small baby) can Demand.

 

 

Later, he said, “Hey, I can demand of myself without saying please!” 

“Absolutely, kid, absolutely!”  When will you talk with your kids and let them know they can demand? … of themselves!

 

Sonia Hankin, MHC, CIC

Certified Integrative Coach

www.theglobalheart.org/soniahankin

Parent Coach Intern

www.Licensed2Parent.com

Parent Coaching Tip: Use Agreements, Lose Rules

This video is hilarious!  What a talented way to illustrate why we coach parents to make agreements with kids instead of thinking up the next “great” rule then telling your family about it.  Funny is funny because it hits close to home.  Unfortunately, this 3 minute string of Mom-isms shows how we come off sounding when we rely on rules, nagging and “SHOULD sandwiches with MUSTard!” to get the parenting  job done.

Open your parenting mind and see what other options you have to raise a person with coping skills… but first enjoy this video because it is true fun!  Hint: educate yourself about making Agreements instead.  Totally cool & way better results!

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Parent Coaching: Communication and Power Struggles

After learning to use the video creation tool on Animoto.com, I am perfecting ways to highlight the value of our program.  Because I share the meat of our program, I tend to get wordy.  My challenge is to communicate value and insight to a person in a few minutes. 

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For the video in this post, the first slide shows a visual of the Communication Gears that teaches parents how to talk to a child depending on the result they need.  The beauty of this tool is that HOW you deliver a message tells the child the possible options.  You can hear more on this on the Audio Download entitled Commander to Coach. 

The second slide refers to how parents that mix up these Communication Gears cause more Power Struggles in their family!

The third slide is hilarious in that it is not something a parent would do to discipline a baby, ever, but we laugh because it touches the nerve of what I call, Fantasy Time Out.  When a family operates under Emotional Parenting stress, the results are embarrassingly bad. 

In the fourth slide, the concept of giving a child more of the kind of power that works for your family is called Appropriate Power.  Getting masterrful at that makes them struggle against you less. 

The final slide is one of my favorite concepts to teach.  When we stop resisting Power Struggles as proof of our parenting failures, you can look forward to each one as being the chance to be the Parent you always meant to be.  I know that parents are doing their best.  With Licensed 2 Parent Coaching, your best just got better!

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Parent Coaching- Tips On Needless Power Struggles

Who Needs A Ball To Wear The Gown?

A friend once described the biggest fight repeating in their household with their three year old daughter.  When they were leaving the house, the daughter wanted to wear her princess dress or fancy pajamas and high heels.  The Mom flatly refused, so there would be a regular tussle and yelling every time they left the house. 

As she told me this horror, she actually blinked at me, waiting to hear me agree that she indeed had it tough.  What I actually said was what I usually say when someone I know gives me the gift of seeing a parenting insight within their own lives, “Do you want some coaching?”

 

Before I go on, I must share that people who know me are fully aware of my focus on and vision for families.  If someone does not want my coaching, not only do I not offer it outwardly, I do not judge them internally.  That would interfere with my ability to make a difference, when and if they ever do invite my perspective, and it would suck to be around me.  I can’t have that. 

 

So back to the little princess… The Mom says, ‘What did you hear?”

 

I asked her why it’s not ok to wear a costume in public, for her.  She gave a few reasons that were along the lines of that it would be embarrassing, people would stare, they may talk and think ill of her or her daughter.  Your garden variety chatter that goes on in your head at 500 words a minute.  Wait… do you hear it?  The voice that said, “I don’t have a voice!”  That’s the one. 🙂

 

Right then, her eyes got wide and she saw that her reasons had nothing to do with supporting her daughter and everything to do with keeping up appearances.  There was a shift in her relationship and I had a new concept to share.  What you are in chage of and what your child is in charge of. 

 

In the Licensed 2 Parent program, we train you to think carefully about these and list them out.  Two things happen.  Things the parent thought they needed to be in charge of get moved over to the child.  This offers new opportunities for appropriate power to the child, reducing the need to create power struggles.  The other thing is that the kids get practice in managing aspects of their life under your loving guidance.  This builds their self-esteem, confidence, expression and independence in natural ways.  That is what future adults need practice in. 

 

My son loves to wear his clothes backwards, mismatch socks and shoes, and dress up in a Super Buzz Venom outfit to play outside with friends.  He looks like a goof, but I’m not in charge of that and he knows it.  When it’s time to pick up to leave for an appointment, he is cooperative because I am in charge of that, and he knows it.  That’s what I am out to create, families that work. 

 

PS The Little Princess lived happily ever after wearing her gowns about town for almost a year, after that she moved on to another fashion statement.  Mom still is going with it.

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Parent Coaching- What’s the State of Your Parenting?

What future will be his?

Regardless of the state of the economy, we still have children to raise.  And looking around at the world today it seems critically important now, more than ever, to raise them well.  By providing parenting that is sound and educates each child, we will create high functioning adults.  Here are some intriguing concepts to digest on this momentous day.

Reform Has Not Worked-You’d have to be under a rock to have missed the decline in basic skills and coping skills in evidence these days.  The reasons are many and they compound one another, but look at it this way, we have focused reform on many areas of life to very little effect.  School reform is not working, no child left behind is way behind.  Public programs are barely making a dent in the face of the need.  Why have we not gone to the source of most of our society’s issues?  Parent reform is where we focus.

Personalized Parenting– The reason is that we see parenthood as an inalienable right and a deeply personal one.  No one wants to be told, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child.”  Well, what if something you were told could make a huge difference in how your family operates?  What if it could mean that your kids could be happier, more productive adults that became great parents because of the choices you make today?  Would you at least be interested?  We are counting on that. 

Resisting Change-There is a current of change flowing through families.  It is gaining momemtum and it is seeking a way to do things that is not based on the way things have always been done.  That is why our program works.  When parents sit and hear the basics the first time, they agree it sounds like a great concept but they wonder how it would apply in their own family. 

It is natural to think that what sounds so (why didn’t I think of that?) simple wouldn’t work with your kids.  It’s common to think that the challanges you have are unlike anyone else’s or impervious to improvement.  When it comes to making changes in your family, the thing to know it this:  you are not special and you are not hopeless!  When we hide behind being unique and beyond help, it does nothing for our children.  We make that change available.

The Difference– In our Coaching Events we see over and over again that something happens when you get the opportunity to watch your parenting as an observer.  The usual cycle goes like this:  something happens/ you tell your child something, they get upset, you get upset that they are upset, they get more upset (for more attention or power), you try to parent that they are upset…you can see where this ends up, right? 

When you hear the Licensed 2 Parent program, and then take it live into your family you may (for the first time) see how you getting emotionally involved with your child’s emotional reactions has been a flawed plan.  It contributes to the cycle.  Once you are trained to allow your child to be in charge of their own reactions, you can put into practice some techniques for coaching them through it and gaining some coping skills.  Then you become ready for the Advanced Coaching that is delivered within the second session of our live events.

At Licensed 2 Parent our goal is to make a difference at the source of the issue, the central conversation and interactions between parent and child.  We deal in the singular because it is sacred and is most powerful one to one, as opposed to sibling groups or team parenting.  When people can feel appropriate power as a child they don’t need to struggle for it.  When parents aren’t worried about errant children they can’t control, they can be amazing at their jobs and make a difference in the world. 

When faced with the thought, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child,” we teach this:  Consider they are not truly “yours,” they are someone’s wife, someone’s husband, someone’s parent.  What would that future spouse or parent want you to do?

Visit www.licensed2parent.com for more info.

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