Posts tagged ‘practiced independence’

Parent Coaching Tip: Referees Beware!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

It seems kids are always bickering with each other.  How do we stop it?  In 3 words: Step In Less.  When you solve for X in their equations and struggles, you deny them practice they need to learn to work things out. 

Imagine it:  Three boys 6-8 playing hide n seek.  One gets smack happy and the other two start saying that “as a consequence” they will count very quickly or with their eyes open because they are not happy with this treatment.  Things quickly deteriorate.                                                                             

Would You:

A.  Say nothing; let them work it out (unless it comes to blows)

B.  Tell the one who was hitting to cut it out

C.  Tell the “victims’ to move on and stop being mean

D.  Offer to guide them in working it out, until they can do this part on their own

A, B and C all miss out on the group empowerment available in option D.  But Referees beware, don’t try this without proper training or you just end up enabling them to wait for the hero to save them from conflict.  Handling conflict is, BTW, the main skill being developed here. 

The Actual Conversation That Helped:

Are you all having fun?  No.  Do you need to give consequences to each other?  No.  What do you sound like?  A Parent.  What could you do instead?  Ask to make new Agreements.  OK, Who’s first?  They each offered an Agreement:  Hands Off, Count Slow, and Close Eyes.  They all agreed and then were off to the races. 

Two of the three kids families know the Licensed2Parent program, so at this point, these talks go much more quickly nowadays.  This could be you and yours!

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August 11, 2009 at 11:36 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching- Tips On Needless Power Struggles

Who Needs A Ball To Wear The Gown?

Who Needs A Ball To Wear The Gown?

A friend once described the biggest fight repeating in their household with their three year old daughter.  When they were leaving the house, the daughter wanted to wear her princess dress or fancy pajamas and high heels.  The Mom flatly refused, so there would be a regular tussle and yelling every time they left the house. 

As she told me this horror, she actually blinked at me, waiting to hear me agree that she indeed had it tough.  What I actually said was what I usually say when someone I know gives me the gift of seeing a parenting insight within their own lives, “Do you want some coaching?”

 
Before I go on, I must share that people who know me are fully aware of my focus on and vision for families.  If someone does not want my coaching, not only do I not offer it outwardly, I do not judge them internally.  That would interfere with my ability to make a difference, when and if they ever do invite my perspective, and it would suck to be around me.  I can’t have that. 
 
So back to the little princess… The Mom says, ‘What did you hear?”
 
I asked her why it’s not ok to wear a costume in public, for her.  She gave a few reasons that were along the lines of that it would be embarrassing, people would stare, they may talk and think ill of her or her daughter.  Your garden variety chatter that goes on in your head at 500 words a minute.  Wait… do you hear it?  The voice that said, “I don’t have a voice!”  That’s the one. 🙂
 
Right then, her eyes got wide and she saw that her reasons had nothing to do with supporting her daughter and everything to do with keeping up appearances.  There was a shift in her relationship and I had a new concept to share.  What you are in chage of and what your child is in charge of. 
 
In the Licensed 2 Parent program, we train you to think carefully about these and list them out.  Two things happen.  Things the parent thought they needed to be in charge of get moved over to the child.  This offers new opportunities for appropriate power to the child, reducing the need to create power struggles.  The other thing is that the kids get practice in managing aspects of their life under your loving guidance.  This builds their self-esteem, confidence, expression and independence in natural ways.  That is what future adults need practice in. 
 
My son loves to wear his clothes backwards, mismatch socks and shoes, and dress up in a Super Buzz Venom outfit to play outside with friends.  He looks like a goof, but I’m not in charge of that and he knows it.  When it’s time to pick up to leave for an appointment, he is cooperative because I am in charge of that, and he knows it.  That’s what I am out to create, families that work. 
 
PS The Little Princess lived happily ever after wearing her gowns about town for almost a year, after that she moved on to another fashion statement.  Mom still is going with it.
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November 9, 2008 at 5:27 am 1 comment


Dawn Roth

My mission is to cause a monumental shift in parenting as we know it! Wanna help?

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