Posts filed under ‘Uncategorized’

Correcting Kids- Timing Is ALL

A Tricky Little Business

We may know what is best for them.  We know our knee jerk reaction to the shouted claim…”You are not the boss of me!”  But just as you would never load a racehorse into a starting gate without the considerable and concerted effort of both a trainer and a rider beforehand, you cannot expect a child to do what you’d like them to do, just cuz you say so.  

The Race.  An upset, a tantrum, willfullness or non-compliance are all like being in the race.  An untrained yearling can be mighty hard to ride, but in the heat of the moment, that’s your job during the parenting interactions.  You are not going to deliver your best parenting during these trying times, and frankly even if you are rocking it, they are not hearing it!  Instead focus on safety (theirs, yours and the remote’s,) basic information (You can join us when you are done yelling.) and observe what you need to cover later (They keep trying to engage you in thier drama.)  Most of all keep calm.

The Training.  When the race is over and you have a down moment, that is when you review what happened, what worked (or not) and make a strategic plan for next time.  All good trainers provide these experiences and successful parents know your best parenting gets done in these “non-parenting moments.”  

Most importantly, know that your cannot be both rider and trainer at once.  You’ll fall off.  If you fail to teach, say, appropriate power between the races, you may not fall off, but your horse may stumble in the next race unnecessarily.   You get to say.

Advertisements

March 14, 2011 at 10:01 pm Leave a comment

It Just Takes A Moment…Either Way

How long does it take to begin to change your parenting to get results you can be proud of?  Just a moment. 

How long does it take to reinforce a behavior that you wish would go away?  Again, just a moment.

If I could ambush coach the mom I just saw at a coffee shop, it would make a simple impact with huge long term results.  She did not break any parenting codes, there was no UTube-worthy parenting fail.  Just a simple interaction, almost automatic for both, that is going to drive her crazy over time…so unnecessarily.

Little guy is 2ish.  Mom hands him the bag with muffin to hold.  He does so, very well in fact.  When she is done doctoring her latte, she reaches down for the bag and takes it from him.  He instantly siren screams, a piercing wail that is as practiced as it is effective.  Mom pauses, and then quickly hands it back to him.  He stops the wail then walks out with “his way” clutched in his hands, not even triumphant; just with a look that things are restored to as they should be (to his way of thinking.)

Behavior reinforced:  You piss me off, I threaten a temper tantrum, you cave, I relent.  OK then, see you next time.  Score one for Inappropriate Power.

Opportunity missed:  You have two choices here;  One is give appropraite power by either letting him keep the bag out to the car, as long as he manages it well OR when you think to take it back, request it.  If he wants to keep it, accept his no thanks, as long as it is nicely given,  (not screeched at you.)

The second option is your default reaction everytime your child uses the scream, tantrum, or yell to get what they want.  Everytime.  Stop or pause in giving them what they want; even if it is easier/quieter, or you don’t mind, or you were going to anyway!  Direct them to stop asking that way and model a more acceptable request.   Coffee Mom could have just said, “Honey, no fussing, just say, please Mommy.”  Wait until you see the switch before you comply & only then.  If they do not stop the  fuss, no giving in. 

It may be harder that time, but each time thereafter will get way better.  JAT

February 26, 2011 at 12:19 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Referees Beware!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

It seems kids are always bickering with each other.  How do we stop it?  In 3 words: Step In Less.  When you solve for X in their equations and struggles, you deny them practice they need to learn to work things out. 

Imagine it:  Three boys 6-8 playing hide n seek.  One gets smack happy and the other two start saying that “as a consequence” they will count very quickly or with their eyes open because they are not happy with this treatment.  Things quickly deteriorate.                                                                             

Would You:

A.  Say nothing; let them work it out (unless it comes to blows)

B.  Tell the one who was hitting to cut it out

C.  Tell the “victims’ to move on and stop being mean

D.  Offer to guide them in working it out, until they can do this part on their own

A, B and C all miss out on the group empowerment available in option D.  But Referees beware, don’t try this without proper training or you just end up enabling them to wait for the hero to save them from conflict.  Handling conflict is, BTW, the main skill being developed here. 

The Actual Conversation That Helped:

Are you all having fun?  No.  Do you need to give consequences to each other?  No.  What do you sound like?  A Parent.  What could you do instead?  Ask to make new Agreements.  OK, Who’s first?  They each offered an Agreement:  Hands Off, Count Slow, and Close Eyes.  They all agreed and then were off to the races. 

Two of the three kids families know the Licensed2Parent program, so at this point, these talks go much more quickly nowadays.  This could be you and yours!

August 11, 2009 at 11:36 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Are You To Blame? YES!

Do you take credit for the job you do?

Do you take credit for the job you do?

I have news for parents.  It IS all your fault. 

Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you.  But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child.  As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior.  Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name.  This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it.  I get that. 

What I don’t get is the opposite effect.  When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will “blame” something else for the turnaround they created!

One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family!  They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child!  NOT!

I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week.  It was so hard for Mom to endure.  Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back.  WOW!  Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress!  This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.

I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK  to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be!  Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today.  But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…

July 6, 2009 at 3:12 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching: The Art of the Powerful Request

Use Parenting Skills That Work

Use Parenting Skills That Work

I love to tell this story.  My son asked me to work out of my office so he could watch a movie in the living room. I said, No Thanks to his Request and suggested he watch in the other room.  After a traditional begging round, I asked; did he want some coaching on a Request that might work?  Here’s the parenting talk of a Powerful Request:

It’s Not About You– Why would Mom not choose to move?  Too much trouble?  Consider her perspective, or ask…

Solve It– What can you do to show you are willing to go out of your way to give her a hand with the issue she has?

Tit For Tat- Are you asking a parent for a straight out favor?  What can a child do to sweeten the deal?  Think of a valuable thing to offer in kind.

Now he was ready;  he planned to help me move my work things into the office AND help unload the dishwasher too!  I encouraged him to use the new, improved Powerful Request for way better results.

He chose to watch his movie in the other room. 🙂  Was it a parenting fail?  NOT!

But get this:  I got to stay put, he got to powerfully choose the other room, he learned HOW to Powerfully Request in a way he will remember, he got Appropriate Power without bickering, arguing, Domination, head games, begging, or tantrums.  Very cool.

Try it!  Parenting that works is a thrill.

June 27, 2009 at 2:46 am Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Do You Do Too Much For Your Kid?

No Doubt About Their Skills

No Doubt About Their Skills

Oh come on, you know what I’m talking about…clearing dishes, tidying up, carrying bags for them, all the little niceties that you just do naturally as a way to say I love you.  There is a downside to treating a child this way that you need to know about.  They learn that the world is a magic place where things are taken care of for them with no concerete idea how clean laundry ACTUALLY gets back into the drawer.  But wait there’s more…and it’s worse!

When you manage your kids lives, run the routine, skipper the schedule, you send a message to your child = You Can’t Handle This.  Not only are you training them to be lazy, entitled, dependent and unskilled (gasp!)  They honestly begin to feel that there must be a good reason they manage nothing, they conclude they must not be capable.

The Fix?  Step back, fight the urge to do for them and invite them to handle things.  If that makes you cringe…that’s your first clue this is necessary.  Look for this behavior: they tell you what’s wrong (they are hungry or tired or bored) and wait expectantly for you to solve that for them.  Now, you will reply:  Thanks for letting me know.  Anything else?  (Don’t forget to smile!)  Until they make a real Request, Do Not Act. 

Let kids struggle, fall short, fail, be confused, get uncomfortable, feel frustrated and wonder how it will all turn out.  You can offer sage guidance but do it from the side, letting them know it is ultimately up to them to manage.  Use the word Manage; as in, “You can manage that, I know it.”  This gives them real world practice in problem solving and the golden ring of self esteem building:  actual accomplishment!

May 28, 2009 at 8:09 pm 2 comments

Parent Coaching Tip: The Moment of Choice

The System My Program Teaches- It Is Different From What You Are Used To!

The System My Program Teaches- It Is Different From What You Are Used To!

I just checked…I’ve appeared 10 times in the last 2 months to deliver The Parenting Crash Course.  I open it with a 3 Question Pop Quiz.  I continue to be astonished by the overwhelming response to my last item.  I ask parents to raise their hand if they consequence their child when they break a rule.  98% of all hands go up EVERYTIME!  Is yours up?

I believe this is one of the things that is broken about parenting!  I call it the Scales of Justice Model.  When you approach discipline as an out of balance equation that requires a consequence, you are being dominating!  Too bad if you don’t like it, it is a fact.  Consider this; you have a job that needs you there by 9am daily.  After weeks of on time arrivals, you get there after 9am.  Regardless of calling to let them know or the reason, YOU ARE FIRED!  How would that feel?  How fearful of being late would you be in your next job?  It is not realistic in the adult world, but we do it to children all the time.

Imagine being a kid.  Stepping out of line is part of the process (remember learning to walk or feed yourself?) but everytime you mess up, you have an upset parent who takes your stuff. Are you living in fear?  You bet you are!  What effect does that have on your enjoyment of life?  How about your ability to cooperate and be a pleasure?  After 14 years we accuse teens of being sullen.  How would you react?  How did you? 

Learn about the A+B=C system and get another option.  Kids need a moment of choice from a calm parent who expects some corrections then provides guidance needed to develop coping skills.  Having the confidence to deliver that system means you both can have shorter and fewer Parenting Moments and get back to what matters, fun!

May 18, 2009 at 9:02 pm Leave a comment

Older Posts


Dawn Roth

My mission is to cause a monumental shift in parenting as we know it! Wanna help?

Follow Licensed2Parent On Twitter!

Licensed 2 Parent Pages

Categories

Recent Posts

Last Tweeted…

Blog Stats

  • 4,632 hits

Top Posts

Add to Technorati Favorites
Add to Technorati Favorites

WANT TO REQUEST A FREE CRASH COURSE?

#SignUp .signupframe { border: 1px solid #000000; background: #ffffff; color: #226699; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; }

Dawn Is Getting The Book Done With This!