Archive for November, 2008

Parent Coaching: Can Kids Earn Privileges Back?

The "Earn Back" Puzzle Solved

The "Earn Back" Privilege Puzzle Solved!

Not really.  This is a total FAQ when I work with families.  It seems to them that if a child misbehaves they lose something, if they behave again they can get it back, right?  Nope.  Here’s what gets left out.  Reality in adulthood.  Oh and creating another power struggle.  Let’s take one at a time.

Real World

When you speed you may or may not get a ticket.  If you do get “caught” and have to pay, if you stop speeding (forever? a week?) you don’t get your money back.  Having a privilege at risk means it is at risk.  The best privileges are the non-physical ones of opportunity: getting to choose a restaurant, spending extra alone time with a parent, having free time to do as you please, computer time.  You can never get these back. 

If you DO remove a physical thing, it comes back into play after a set time that works for your family, say a day.  You want the emphasis on the fact that the child’s next choice will have an impact.  Then provide the impact and allow them to experience it fully.  The goal is for them to know that when you say you will take a privilege, you will and they will notice it is gone.  Then they will choose the behavior that works more often (without having the thing even removed!)

Power Struggle

When you give a child a moment to consider if their behavior works for your family (through Agreements) you give them the appropriate power to choose the next move with our without a consequence.  Once they choose to do what doesn’t work, they experience the impact of that choice.

If you then allow them to “earn” back the privilege through doing what works, you are giving Inapproriate Power by letting them say when the impact is complete.  Putting them in that driver’s seat creates them knowing that your consequences are only as temporary as they choose them to be.  That’s a parenting red alert.

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November 28, 2008 at 4:40 pm 2 comments

Parent Coaching: A Gift On So Many Levels

Pre Paid Coaching in progress!

Pre Paid Coaching in progress!

Four people have signed up for the Pre Paid Parent Coaching in 24 hours!  I am so excited to get started with each of them.  I could hear even in the set up call just where I need to start with one family.  This Mom really wants a set schedule for her kids to display more independence.  I know once she learns how to turn over parts of the daily routine to them, she will see a different result. 

Giving appropriate power not only reduces Power Struggles, it sends a critical message to kids:  You can do this, I trust you, go for it.  So often that message is:  I’ll do it, you can’t manage it as it should be done.  That instills doubt in a child.  Imagine your boss sharing your office and telling you what is next on your to do list!  How long would we put up with that? Kids have little choice. 

My little chef!

My little chef!

For the first time today my 6 year old chose a vegetable at the store (yellow squash), washed it, cut it (less oversight with a butter knife), and learned how to saute and season it.  He was so engaged.  He requested we add cheese, we did!  And he ate it , it was good! It was different than I would have done it but he had the golden egg of Appropriate Power. 

The gift of parent coaching...One person got the Coaching Program as a Holiday Gift for someone.  It feels very rewarding to be able to provide parent coaching both easily and affordably.  The parent plan makes such an impact on the child, the parent, the family, and the people those kids will grow into.  A gift on so many levels.

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November 25, 2008 at 11:45 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching: Affordable, On Demand Service

Parent Support is a phone call away!

Parent Support is a phone call away!

Parents love my program.  They get results and want to know how to fully put it to use in their own family.  Up to now, the best way to do that was to attend a live event (not always convenient) or work with me in the home as your personal coach (not always in the budget).  These options were limited in how far the program could reach and that was my biggest concern.  I am compelled to get this message to the families who want and need it!  Now I can…

If you ever wished you had access to an expert Parent Coach when your parenting went haywire or your results were awful, this is the program for you.  The Pre Paid Parent Coaching program gives you affordable yet on demand support when you need it.  Under $20 per month gets you 30 to 60 minutes on the phone with a Parent Coach working on a parent plan custom for your family plus discounts on tools, products, hourly coaching and live events.  There is nothing else out there like it. 

All your questions and curiosity can be handled on the website www.licensed2parent.com then click the button for Pre Paid Parent Coaching.  Please share this post with the next parent that complains to you or is frustrated about being a parent.  They are doing the best they can, yet if they are willing to take a look at their own behavior, their best can get better very quickly!

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November 23, 2008 at 10:59 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching: Games Families Play

I was coaching a family the other day.  Great parents.  Strong marriage.  Cool kids.  They all reported feeling upset, frustrated and angry at one another on a regular basis.  Sound familiar?  Parents are often surprised that getting coached can help all types of families.  The idea that only families in crisis or misery can use coaching is a myth.  Even great families can see improved results.  Here’s why:

Imagine if your game came with no rules!

Imagine if your game came with no rules!

 The Game is On

When families come together, or get created, it is either by choice (marriage, adoption) or by birth.  The adults seem to have all the power and the children are struggling for that power.  However you got into your family, you are still impacted by the dynamics at play. It is as if there is a game being played without the playbook. 

Imagine you join a group with a hugely important job to do but there are no rules, the teams are unclear, the plan of action keeps changing, you are not sure how to get points, how to win or lose is a mystery and the objective has never been explained.  Sounds fun, huh?

 

This game is being played all over the world by families.  A good friend of mine once said, “In the absence of good information, we make things up!”  Sound familiar?  If parents and kids are all making up their actions and reactions without a plan, a goal, a playbook and general game play rules, the result can never be better than haphazard. 

 

Coaching Is the Approach

Getting coached is the equivalent of creating your family playbook.  Choosing the goals you have as a family defined as the kind of adults you want to set loose on the world, setting up your basic agreements, getting clear guidance on who is in charge of what decisions, what rights and privileges work for your family and how to communicate all of this to the group is where you define the game you play together. 

 

By offering parents a system to create their family as they would like it to be, we are affecting the lives of each member. Families that work have better days at school, are more productive at work, have less absenteeism to deal with behavior issues, enjoy less stress and are able to focus on contributing to others in a larger sense because they are not bogged down by the general concerns of a family that does not work. 

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November 18, 2008 at 7:50 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching: Communication and Power Struggles

After learning to use the video creation tool on Animoto.com, I am perfecting ways to highlight the value of our program.  Because I share the meat of our program, I tend to get wordy.  My challenge is to communicate value and insight to a person in a few minutes. 
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For the video in this post, the first slide shows a visual of the Communication Gears that teaches parents how to talk to a child depending on the result they need.  The beauty of this tool is that HOW you deliver a message tells the child the possible options.  You can hear more on this on the Audio Download entitled Commander to Coach
The second slide refers to how parents that mix up these Communication Gears cause more Power Struggles in their family!
The third slide is hilarious in that it is not something a parent would do to discipline a baby, ever, but we laugh because it touches the nerve of what I call, Fantasy Time Out.  When a family operates under Emotional Parenting stress, the results are embarrassingly bad. 
In the fourth slide, the concept of giving a child more of the kind of power that works for your family is called Appropriate Power.  Getting masterrful at that makes them struggle against you less. 
The final slide is one of my favorite concepts to teach.  When we stop resisting Power Struggles as proof of our parenting failures, you can look forward to each one as being the chance to be the Parent you always meant to be.  I know that parents are doing their best.  With Licensed 2 Parent Coaching, your best just got better!
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November 12, 2008 at 6:55 pm Leave a comment

Dawn Roth: Parent Coach

I put this together to underscore how it can be A Beautiful World when you have a family that works…
Parent well!

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November 12, 2008 at 1:59 am Leave a comment

Parent Coaching- Tips On Needless Power Struggles

Who Needs A Ball To Wear The Gown?

Who Needs A Ball To Wear The Gown?

A friend once described the biggest fight repeating in their household with their three year old daughter.  When they were leaving the house, the daughter wanted to wear her princess dress or fancy pajamas and high heels.  The Mom flatly refused, so there would be a regular tussle and yelling every time they left the house. 

As she told me this horror, she actually blinked at me, waiting to hear me agree that she indeed had it tough.  What I actually said was what I usually say when someone I know gives me the gift of seeing a parenting insight within their own lives, “Do you want some coaching?”

 
Before I go on, I must share that people who know me are fully aware of my focus on and vision for families.  If someone does not want my coaching, not only do I not offer it outwardly, I do not judge them internally.  That would interfere with my ability to make a difference, when and if they ever do invite my perspective, and it would suck to be around me.  I can’t have that. 
 
So back to the little princess… The Mom says, ‘What did you hear?”
 
I asked her why it’s not ok to wear a costume in public, for her.  She gave a few reasons that were along the lines of that it would be embarrassing, people would stare, they may talk and think ill of her or her daughter.  Your garden variety chatter that goes on in your head at 500 words a minute.  Wait… do you hear it?  The voice that said, “I don’t have a voice!”  That’s the one. 🙂
 
Right then, her eyes got wide and she saw that her reasons had nothing to do with supporting her daughter and everything to do with keeping up appearances.  There was a shift in her relationship and I had a new concept to share.  What you are in chage of and what your child is in charge of. 
 
In the Licensed 2 Parent program, we train you to think carefully about these and list them out.  Two things happen.  Things the parent thought they needed to be in charge of get moved over to the child.  This offers new opportunities for appropriate power to the child, reducing the need to create power struggles.  The other thing is that the kids get practice in managing aspects of their life under your loving guidance.  This builds their self-esteem, confidence, expression and independence in natural ways.  That is what future adults need practice in. 
 
My son loves to wear his clothes backwards, mismatch socks and shoes, and dress up in a Super Buzz Venom outfit to play outside with friends.  He looks like a goof, but I’m not in charge of that and he knows it.  When it’s time to pick up to leave for an appointment, he is cooperative because I am in charge of that, and he knows it.  That’s what I am out to create, families that work. 
 
PS The Little Princess lived happily ever after wearing her gowns about town for almost a year, after that she moved on to another fashion statement.  Mom still is going with it.
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November 9, 2008 at 5:27 am 1 comment

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Dawn Roth

My mission is to cause a monumental shift in parenting as we know it! Wanna help?

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