Posts tagged ‘licensed 2 parent’

Parent Coaching Tip: Referees Beware!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

It seems kids are always bickering with each other.  How do we stop it?  In 3 words: Step In Less.  When you solve for X in their equations and struggles, you deny them practice they need to learn to work things out. 

Imagine it:  Three boys 6-8 playing hide n seek.  One gets smack happy and the other two start saying that “as a consequence” they will count very quickly or with their eyes open because they are not happy with this treatment.  Things quickly deteriorate.                                                                             

Would You:

A.  Say nothing; let them work it out (unless it comes to blows)

B.  Tell the one who was hitting to cut it out

C.  Tell the “victims’ to move on and stop being mean

D.  Offer to guide them in working it out, until they can do this part on their own

A, B and C all miss out on the group empowerment available in option D.  But Referees beware, don’t try this without proper training or you just end up enabling them to wait for the hero to save them from conflict.  Handling conflict is, BTW, the main skill being developed here. 

The Actual Conversation That Helped:

Are you all having fun?  No.  Do you need to give consequences to each other?  No.  What do you sound like?  A Parent.  What could you do instead?  Ask to make new Agreements.  OK, Who’s first?  They each offered an Agreement:  Hands Off, Count Slow, and Close Eyes.  They all agreed and then were off to the races. 

Two of the three kids families know the Licensed2Parent program, so at this point, these talks go much more quickly nowadays.  This could be you and yours!

August 11, 2009 at 11:36 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Types Of Crying & Then What?

What Type Is This?

What Type Is This?

There are 6 Types of Crying if you care to learn them.  BTW the crying behavior looks different at different ages, so by crying I also mean, whining, fussing, yelling, bickering, complaining, name calling, and general verbal outbursts.  This could turn your Power Struggles around instantly. 

Sad or Hurt Crying is when you need to respond.  Don’t assume though, ask.  Are you hurt crying?  Are you sad about your friend moving?  If they are, provide kisses, bandaids, ice, hugs, comfort, listen and sympathize at will.  This is when they need you and need to deal with a feeling to get it out. 

Happy Crying is just like it sounds.  When they are that Happy, join them!  If you happen to be the one weeping with joy, say that so they don’t fret over you!

Tired Crying or Attention Crying are a means to an end that you may be able to help them with.  Think long car trips with cranky kids or upsets when you are on the phone and you see the problem.  It’s not what they need, it’s how they ask.  Teach them to say, “I’m tired,” when they need help settling down or the activity to quiet.  Model for them saying, “I want attention,” when they crave a piece of you.  Let them know that you will indulge them unless you absolutely can’t but they need to ask another way.  This works amazingly, try it!

Silly Crying is when they are trying to manipulate those around them to a different result.  Think of this type of behavior as a fire which must be starved of any and all oxygen in order to smother it!  As soon as you have a cryer, make sure it is not another type, if they just want something they can’t get (at the moment), that’s TBSS (Too Bad SO Sad).  This is where our parenting backbone is tested.  Be clear that if they use this crying, NOTHING will happen and NOTHING will go their way.  Be confident and do not undermine yourself!  Let’em wail and wait it out (preferably in another room) when they have self control back, you talk.  Not before.

April 17, 2009 at 5:45 pm Leave a comment

Parent Plan: Know What You Say

Most conflict in families are caused by Power Struggles, agreed?  Well what if you were causing ,say, half without even realizing it?  Would you want to know?  Good, I want to tell you.  It’s how you talk to your kids that is the problem.  You wouldn’t drive to work in reverse, so why are you asking a child “Can we go now?” or “Do you want to take a bath?”

These are the Communication Gears.  Knowing them makes for less upsets in families, period.  Suggest things that are low key.  Whatever dude.  Request when you are OK with getting NO or a COUNTER OFFER, and don’t when you aren’t!  When it is time to be the parent, make a Demand and be consistent, but use sparingly!  Commands are for saftey and danger.  Yell when you need to alert, not just to let off steam!!!! 

Now we can use this knowledge to teach our family or manipulate them.  Can you recognize the difference? 

Suggestions can be sweet OR sarcastic

Requests are made powerfully OR with a pretense

Demands convey respect OR dominatation

Commands imply concern OR exasperation

Start listening to How you say What you say.  Both mean something.  When your message and meaning match, you get better results.  To learn more on the entire family plan, visit the website and look for the Build A Better Family Starter Kit:  http://www.licensed2parent.com/services.html

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January 6, 2009 at 6:13 am Leave a comment

Parent Coaching: Affordable, On Demand Service

Parent Support is a phone call away!

Parent Support is a phone call away!

Parents love my program.  They get results and want to know how to fully put it to use in their own family.  Up to now, the best way to do that was to attend a live event (not always convenient) or work with me in the home as your personal coach (not always in the budget).  These options were limited in how far the program could reach and that was my biggest concern.  I am compelled to get this message to the families who want and need it!  Now I can…

If you ever wished you had access to an expert Parent Coach when your parenting went haywire or your results were awful, this is the program for you.  The Pre Paid Parent Coaching program gives you affordable yet on demand support when you need it.  Under $20 per month gets you 30 to 60 minutes on the phone with a Parent Coach working on a parent plan custom for your family plus discounts on tools, products, hourly coaching and live events.  There is nothing else out there like it. 

All your questions and curiosity can be handled on the website www.licensed2parent.com then click the button for Pre Paid Parent Coaching.  Please share this post with the next parent that complains to you or is frustrated about being a parent.  They are doing the best they can, yet if they are willing to take a look at their own behavior, their best can get better very quickly!

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November 23, 2008 at 10:59 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching: Communication and Power Struggles

After learning to use the video creation tool on Animoto.com, I am perfecting ways to highlight the value of our program.  Because I share the meat of our program, I tend to get wordy.  My challenge is to communicate value and insight to a person in a few minutes. 
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For the video in this post, the first slide shows a visual of the Communication Gears that teaches parents how to talk to a child depending on the result they need.  The beauty of this tool is that HOW you deliver a message tells the child the possible options.  You can hear more on this on the Audio Download entitled Commander to Coach
The second slide refers to how parents that mix up these Communication Gears cause more Power Struggles in their family!
The third slide is hilarious in that it is not something a parent would do to discipline a baby, ever, but we laugh because it touches the nerve of what I call, Fantasy Time Out.  When a family operates under Emotional Parenting stress, the results are embarrassingly bad. 
In the fourth slide, the concept of giving a child more of the kind of power that works for your family is called Appropriate Power.  Getting masterrful at that makes them struggle against you less. 
The final slide is one of my favorite concepts to teach.  When we stop resisting Power Struggles as proof of our parenting failures, you can look forward to each one as being the chance to be the Parent you always meant to be.  I know that parents are doing their best.  With Licensed 2 Parent Coaching, your best just got better!
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November 12, 2008 at 6:55 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching- What’s the State of Your Parenting?

What future will be his?

What future will be his?

Regardless of the state of the economy, we still have children to raise.  And looking around at the world today it seems critically important now, more than ever, to raise them well.  By providing parenting that is sound and educates each child, we will create high functioning adults.  Here are some intriguing concepts to digest on this momentous day.

Reform Has Not Worked-You’d have to be under a rock to have missed the decline in basic skills and coping skills in evidence these days.  The reasons are many and they compound one another, but look at it this way, we have focused reform on many areas of life to very little effect.  School reform is not working, no child left behind is way behind.  Public programs are barely making a dent in the face of the need.  Why have we not gone to the source of most of our society’s issues?  Parent reform is where we focus.

Personalized Parenting– The reason is that we see parenthood as an inalienable right and a deeply personal one.  No one wants to be told, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child.”  Well, what if something you were told could make a huge difference in how your family operates?  What if it could mean that your kids could be happier, more productive adults that became great parents because of the choices you make today?  Would you at least be interested?  We are counting on that. 

Resisting Change-There is a current of change flowing through families.  It is gaining momemtum and it is seeking a way to do things that is not based on the way things have always been done.  That is why our program works.  When parents sit and hear the basics the first time, they agree it sounds like a great concept but they wonder how it would apply in their own family. 

It is natural to think that what sounds so (why didn’t I think of that?) simple wouldn’t work with your kids.  It’s common to think that the challanges you have are unlike anyone else’s or impervious to improvement.  When it comes to making changes in your family, the thing to know it this:  you are not special and you are not hopeless!  When we hide behind being unique and beyond help, it does nothing for our children.  We make that change available.

The Difference– In our Coaching Events we see over and over again that something happens when you get the opportunity to watch your parenting as an observer.  The usual cycle goes like this:  something happens/ you tell your child something, they get upset, you get upset that they are upset, they get more upset (for more attention or power), you try to parent that they are upset…you can see where this ends up, right? 

When you hear the Licensed 2 Parent program, and then take it live into your family you may (for the first time) see how you getting emotionally involved with your child’s emotional reactions has been a flawed plan.  It contributes to the cycle.  Once you are trained to allow your child to be in charge of their own reactions, you can put into practice some techniques for coaching them through it and gaining some coping skills.  Then you become ready for the Advanced Coaching that is delivered within the second session of our live events.

At Licensed 2 Parent our goal is to make a difference at the source of the issue, the central conversation and interactions between parent and child.  We deal in the singular because it is sacred and is most powerful one to one, as opposed to sibling groups or team parenting.  When people can feel appropriate power as a child they don’t need to struggle for it.  When parents aren’t worried about errant children they can’t control, they can be amazing at their jobs and make a difference in the world. 

When faced with the thought, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child,” we teach this:  Consider they are not truly “yours,” they are someone’s wife, someone’s husband, someone’s parent.  What would that future spouse or parent want you to do?

Visit www.licensed2parent.com for more info.

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November 5, 2008 at 2:57 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip – Managing Behavior

Capture the basic elements of your Parenting Plan!

Capture the basic elements of your Parenting Plan!

When we launched our first product, the Licensed 2 Parent Starter Kit, I realized that our own Ageements at home were for the most part outdated. That was strange. We had started with our original Agreements back when our son was three. We had 24 of them. I just found the old posterboard behind a cabinet we moved. It was so cool to see them after so long. So many of them were old news; things that were so critical then, but over time, they became part of his foundational behavior. Listen the first time is now solid. Never thought that would happen! Hold hands and stay together is no longer a concern, he sticks around pretty well. Our focus is on independence now too, so it is less that he does it all the time, and more that my expectations have shifted as he grows into new stages.
What we came up with currently are the second wave, so to speak and they include some of my favorites yet. One concern was that he was behaving with that preschool entitlement mindset where your meal mess is ignored, people give you stuff beacuse they should and who cares how adults pay for the entire Transformer fleet? I want it, now. We have three great new agreements that work on replacing these unwanted habits with our values:
First time manners
Beat the reminder
Be grateful
How we use them looks like this:
He needs to use polite words as things happen without being prompted.
As we give him something he has asked for, if he does not say Thank you, we say, “If you are not using first time manners, we cannot give you this.” If that is not possible, we use one of the current privileges from our list. If in the same day he fails to use manners, a another privilege is at risk. We are getting much better results.
He needs to manage the mess he creates while eating, playing, etc. before we remind him.
This works so well, because he treats it as a game. Using the A + B = C is not really necessary, but it is there if we need it.
He needs to show that he is thankful for what he has, even if he wants more.
Ever given a child a few nice surprises and they whine for even more? That makes us twitch, so this was critical for us. It has already prompted some comments like, “Thanks for dessert, next time can I have some ice cream?” Now that is music to our ears!
For more information on Agreements, the Starter Kit and other Licensed 2 Parent concepts to use with your children, visit www.licensed2parent.com.
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November 1, 2008 at 3:30 pm Leave a comment

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Dawn Roth

My mission is to cause a monumental shift in parenting as we know it! Wanna help?

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