Posts tagged ‘parent coaching’

Parent Coaching Tip: Are You To Blame? YES!

Do you take credit for the job you do?

Do you take credit for the job you do?

I have news for parents.  It IS all your fault. 

Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you.  But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child.  As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior.  Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name.  This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it.  I get that. 

What I don’t get is the opposite effect.  When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will “blame” something else for the turnaround they created!

One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family!  They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child!  NOT!

I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week.  It was so hard for Mom to endure.  Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back.  WOW!  Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress!  This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.

I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK  to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be!  Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today.  But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…

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July 6, 2009 at 3:12 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching: The Art of the Powerful Request

Use Parenting Skills That Work

Use Parenting Skills That Work

I love to tell this story.  My son asked me to work out of my office so he could watch a movie in the living room. I said, No Thanks to his Request and suggested he watch in the other room.  After a traditional begging round, I asked; did he want some coaching on a Request that might work?  Here’s the parenting talk of a Powerful Request:

It’s Not About You– Why would Mom not choose to move?  Too much trouble?  Consider her perspective, or ask…

Solve It– What can you do to show you are willing to go out of your way to give her a hand with the issue she has?

Tit For Tat- Are you asking a parent for a straight out favor?  What can a child do to sweeten the deal?  Think of a valuable thing to offer in kind.

Now he was ready;  he planned to help me move my work things into the office AND help unload the dishwasher too!  I encouraged him to use the new, improved Powerful Request for way better results.

He chose to watch his movie in the other room. 🙂  Was it a parenting fail?  NOT!

But get this:  I got to stay put, he got to powerfully choose the other room, he learned HOW to Powerfully Request in a way he will remember, he got Appropriate Power without bickering, arguing, Domination, head games, begging, or tantrums.  Very cool.

Try it!  Parenting that works is a thrill.

June 27, 2009 at 2:46 am Leave a comment

Parents In The News: Kid On Subway

What Is Your Subway?

What Is Your Subway?

So Izzy was on a NY subway alone.  As a parent coach, people ask my opinion.  Parents want to hear me say either; Mom should never have let a child do that OR It was fine for a NY Mom to do that.  The real answer lies elsewhere for me.  I need more info.  So my Counter Offer is to give, not so much an opinion, but my thoughts on the issues, intentions and impacts of the story. 

The Lead In  I’m curious about the conversations discussed and lessons provided to prepare Izzy for such a task.  Is he prepared for what could go wrong?  Getting lost, stranger snatching, injury, losing his nerve, or poor judgement are all realities that would do well to be covered.  The trick is to be realistic of the hazards without casuing paralyzing fear.  Assume Mom did this; point of fact, he made it home.

The Event Imagine you are Izzy.  What is going through your head as you locate, ride on and then leave the subway for home?  You are feeling trusted, accomplished, capable, powerful and special.  Talk about Appropriate Power! These feelings are not to be scoffed at.  If sending your child on the subway is not in the cards for you, find a way to recreate them for your child.  This is the element of parenting that Mom points up as being missing in the lives of kids today.  We know that, yet are scared to put them out there, thinking the stakes are too high.  What’s your version of the subway?

The Impact Its National News and Judgement for the Mom.  It’s not my place to say if she should or shouldn’t have made that choice, she is in charge of that.  I feel less concerned than when I hear a child was left or fogotten on a subway.  That is evidence of a parent being too concered with other things.  I never got that feeling with this Mom.  It is clear to me she is parenting Izzy in a way that is Intentional not Automatic, Aware not Unconscious, Considering not Past Based.  I am gad to see that. 

What About You?  Your personal opinion does not matter (about this), and that’s democracy, baby.  Instead, spend some time looking at where you have traded your child’s independence for safety without looking deeper.  Where can you foster some new skills for them?  Where are you ready to grow and (gasp) give them back some time to themselves?  Here’s my suggestion:  Instead of setting out to protect them from every danger and mishap (which is in the end utterly impossible), spend some real time literally and figuratively preparing them for WHATEVER happens.  I am clear I cannot promise my child that nothing bad will ever happen, but he knows this; WHATEVER happens, he can handle it, because I promise to raise him with the practical skills and information to do that.  Plus, I’ll be here when he needs me (which is less and less now,) but still very important.

One last thing  IF I were to put my son at the same age, in a similar situation, I would opt for the cell phone; but that’s what I’m in charge of with my little guy.   That’s about the best you’ll get from me.  To Izzy’s Mom, you’re on to something, keep digging.

June 22, 2009 at 4:21 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Types Of Crying & Then What?

What Type Is This?

What Type Is This?

There are 6 Types of Crying if you care to learn them.  BTW the crying behavior looks different at different ages, so by crying I also mean, whining, fussing, yelling, bickering, complaining, name calling, and general verbal outbursts.  This could turn your Power Struggles around instantly. 

Sad or Hurt Crying is when you need to respond.  Don’t assume though, ask.  Are you hurt crying?  Are you sad about your friend moving?  If they are, provide kisses, bandaids, ice, hugs, comfort, listen and sympathize at will.  This is when they need you and need to deal with a feeling to get it out. 

Happy Crying is just like it sounds.  When they are that Happy, join them!  If you happen to be the one weeping with joy, say that so they don’t fret over you!

Tired Crying or Attention Crying are a means to an end that you may be able to help them with.  Think long car trips with cranky kids or upsets when you are on the phone and you see the problem.  It’s not what they need, it’s how they ask.  Teach them to say, “I’m tired,” when they need help settling down or the activity to quiet.  Model for them saying, “I want attention,” when they crave a piece of you.  Let them know that you will indulge them unless you absolutely can’t but they need to ask another way.  This works amazingly, try it!

Silly Crying is when they are trying to manipulate those around them to a different result.  Think of this type of behavior as a fire which must be starved of any and all oxygen in order to smother it!  As soon as you have a cryer, make sure it is not another type, if they just want something they can’t get (at the moment), that’s TBSS (Too Bad SO Sad).  This is where our parenting backbone is tested.  Be clear that if they use this crying, NOTHING will happen and NOTHING will go their way.  Be confident and do not undermine yourself!  Let’em wail and wait it out (preferably in another room) when they have self control back, you talk.  Not before.

April 17, 2009 at 5:45 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Get Started Already! Agreements Await

A big part of the Family Plan Starter Kit

A big part of the Family Plan Starter Kit

I’ve done some research.  Here’s what those I’ve asked have said;  when they hear about my program they immediately see value and like the concepts.  Here’s what else they say.  That they don’t get started right away!  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  The results can’t happen without getting started, and believe me the results are the Juice of our program.  You can study Power Struggles all you want, but if you don’t change anything with your kids, nothing will change.

So I asked why and here’s what they say:

Too busy to really make the plan to present to kids

Didn’t know how to explain it to the kids

Couldn’t figure out all the the parts first.

Here’s what you need to know!  Stop acting like you have to figure everything out first and then have the heavens open and the angels sing to make a difference in your family.  Want to get started today?  Here’s how…

The NEXT issue that comes up in your family, notice it and mentally mark it for your first Agreement.After things settle down, say, “The way you and your sister were fighting didn’t wotk for me, did it work for you?”

Ask, “Do you want a family that works?”

Say, “What Agreement can we have that covers fighting that we can agree to have as important?”

Once they figure this out, ask, “OK so we agree to Be Gentle and Use Words When Upset, can you agree to that?”

BAM!  You have your first Agreement.  Stop waiting for your Fairy Godmother to fix it all up for you.  When you ask yourself and your family what they Want More Of and Want Less Of in the family, you will get plenty to make into Agreements.  Cars are a great place to have these talks.  If you have media on your car, TURN IT OFF!  Way better talks that way.

You can leave your inner evil step-parent in the dust and create the fairy tale family of your dreams.  Make it happen today!

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March 29, 2009 at 8:25 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching: Can Kids Earn Privileges Back?

The "Earn Back" Puzzle Solved

The "Earn Back" Privilege Puzzle Solved!

Not really.  This is a total FAQ when I work with families.  It seems to them that if a child misbehaves they lose something, if they behave again they can get it back, right?  Nope.  Here’s what gets left out.  Reality in adulthood.  Oh and creating another power struggle.  Let’s take one at a time.

Real World

When you speed you may or may not get a ticket.  If you do get “caught” and have to pay, if you stop speeding (forever? a week?) you don’t get your money back.  Having a privilege at risk means it is at risk.  The best privileges are the non-physical ones of opportunity: getting to choose a restaurant, spending extra alone time with a parent, having free time to do as you please, computer time.  You can never get these back. 

If you DO remove a physical thing, it comes back into play after a set time that works for your family, say a day.  You want the emphasis on the fact that the child’s next choice will have an impact.  Then provide the impact and allow them to experience it fully.  The goal is for them to know that when you say you will take a privilege, you will and they will notice it is gone.  Then they will choose the behavior that works more often (without having the thing even removed!)

Power Struggle

When you give a child a moment to consider if their behavior works for your family (through Agreements) you give them the appropriate power to choose the next move with our without a consequence.  Once they choose to do what doesn’t work, they experience the impact of that choice.

If you then allow them to “earn” back the privilege through doing what works, you are giving Inapproriate Power by letting them say when the impact is complete.  Putting them in that driver’s seat creates them knowing that your consequences are only as temporary as they choose them to be.  That’s a parenting red alert.

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November 28, 2008 at 4:40 pm 2 comments

Parent Coaching: A Gift On So Many Levels

Pre Paid Coaching in progress!

Pre Paid Coaching in progress!

Four people have signed up for the Pre Paid Parent Coaching in 24 hours!  I am so excited to get started with each of them.  I could hear even in the set up call just where I need to start with one family.  This Mom really wants a set schedule for her kids to display more independence.  I know once she learns how to turn over parts of the daily routine to them, she will see a different result. 

Giving appropriate power not only reduces Power Struggles, it sends a critical message to kids:  You can do this, I trust you, go for it.  So often that message is:  I’ll do it, you can’t manage it as it should be done.  That instills doubt in a child.  Imagine your boss sharing your office and telling you what is next on your to do list!  How long would we put up with that? Kids have little choice. 

My little chef!

My little chef!

For the first time today my 6 year old chose a vegetable at the store (yellow squash), washed it, cut it (less oversight with a butter knife), and learned how to saute and season it.  He was so engaged.  He requested we add cheese, we did!  And he ate it , it was good! It was different than I would have done it but he had the golden egg of Appropriate Power. 

The gift of parent coaching...One person got the Coaching Program as a Holiday Gift for someone.  It feels very rewarding to be able to provide parent coaching both easily and affordably.  The parent plan makes such an impact on the child, the parent, the family, and the people those kids will grow into.  A gift on so many levels.

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November 25, 2008 at 11:45 pm Leave a comment

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Dawn Roth

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