Posts tagged ‘punishment’

Parent Coaching: Do Parents Keep Agreements?

Who Parents The Parents?

Who Parents The Parents?

Yes, but not the same ones as your kids!  When House Rules are made by a family, it seems only fair that the adults and the kids are responsible for keeping them, right?  Not so much!

This may fly in the face of the way you have been doing things at home, but check it out:  The Agreements exist so that the children are taught a standard of behavior they are working on.  Take Being Grateful.   Kids need lots of practice with this one.  How about using a quiet voice inside?  Mom still struggling with that one?  No.

Think of the hundreds of Agreements parents are currently managing and those they have mastered over time; compare that to the Agreements listed for your family.  You figured out Be Gentle decades ago, right?  The Agreements are there to guide your child and provide a measurement for them to compare choices in the moment. 

When rules are broken, it begs a corresponding punishment.  Agreements are different.  If you don’t keep your agreement, you measure yourself (or your parent coaches you) and you choose again, knowing the consequences.  To encourage or expect a child to monitor adult behavior, point out when it is lacking and Demand a price be paid if  parent breaks their word is inappropriate power.  If you do it you are feeding the monster you are working to slay.

Adults manage their own agreements:  Speed limits, fidelity, businesses, mortages, bills, ethical and legal concerns are real and present.  Adults experience natural consequences for keeping them or not.   That is the real world, to do otherwise gives kids practice with an artificial world they can’t use to cope later on. 

There is more to learn, get the Audio Download on Agreements (and a bunch of other cool topics) here.  Five dollars for one/ 8 for $25.


January 15, 2009 at 2:10 am Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip- Learn From Children’s Lies

Awesome insight today about lying. I usually share with audiences the insanity that we expect kids to always share when we don’t and never lie when they see us use it often. This starts an intriguing conversation about the function of lying in our society. Morality aside, I am most concerned with the Parenting Opportunities available.
Up until now I have seen lying as Golden Opportunities in a few ways. A child is lying to cover up something they can’t or won’t deal with. That is good info to pay attention to and if you focus on how to extinugish the lying, you will miss out. The other thing to consider is that during some past reaction to being told the truth it didn’t go so well, now you are being told a lie to avoid that. Another nugget to consider! Keep in mind that as a child grows and expresses themselves freely, you have reactions that range from benign to heated and that informs your child of how to share with you in the future.
This weekend my son came back from an awesome sleepover and did NOT want to come home. When he said as much, my husband and I were stung but kept those feelings to ourselves. Instead, we shared how we had felt the same way and still struggle with the the grass is greener concept as adults. Modeling being able to hear the truth, even uncomfortable truths, allows us to enjoy the Privilege of our son being able to say what he thinks, now and when he is older.
SO back to the insight. Just like I say there are different types of crying: Sad Crying, Hurt Crying, Silly Crying, that inform the parent and shape the reaction, there are different types of lies! In speaking to a number of people today, we identified these: Tricking (Fun Lying), Scared Lying (Avoiding Trouble), Mean Lying (Getting Someone in Trouble), Kind Lying (Considering Others), Matched Lying (Saying What They Want to Hear). So imagine that a child says something that is suspect. Instead of having to focus on stopping the lying, you can have a conversation that models how to have a healthy relationship to lying. Ask, “Are you tricking or scared lying?” This gives the child freedom to say they lied and then you can move into solutions without punishment.
I’m excited about this one…no lie!

October 24, 2008 at 6:01 pm Leave a comment

Dawn Roth

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