Posts tagged ‘parent and child’

Parent Coaching Tip: Referees Beware!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

It seems kids are always bickering with each other.  How do we stop it?  In 3 words: Step In Less.  When you solve for X in their equations and struggles, you deny them practice they need to learn to work things out. 

Imagine it:  Three boys 6-8 playing hide n seek.  One gets smack happy and the other two start saying that “as a consequence” they will count very quickly or with their eyes open because they are not happy with this treatment.  Things quickly deteriorate.                                                                             

Would You:

A.  Say nothing; let them work it out (unless it comes to blows)

B.  Tell the one who was hitting to cut it out

C.  Tell the “victims’ to move on and stop being mean

D.  Offer to guide them in working it out, until they can do this part on their own

A, B and C all miss out on the group empowerment available in option D.  But Referees beware, don’t try this without proper training or you just end up enabling them to wait for the hero to save them from conflict.  Handling conflict is, BTW, the main skill being developed here. 

The Actual Conversation That Helped:

Are you all having fun?  No.  Do you need to give consequences to each other?  No.  What do you sound like?  A Parent.  What could you do instead?  Ask to make new Agreements.  OK, Who’s first?  They each offered an Agreement:  Hands Off, Count Slow, and Close Eyes.  They all agreed and then were off to the races. 

Two of the three kids families know the Licensed2Parent program, so at this point, these talks go much more quickly nowadays.  This could be you and yours!

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August 11, 2009 at 11:36 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Are You To Blame? YES!

Do you take credit for the job you do?

Do you take credit for the job you do?

I have news for parents.  It IS all your fault. 

Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you.  But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child.  As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior.  Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name.  This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it.  I get that. 

What I don’t get is the opposite effect.  When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will “blame” something else for the turnaround they created!

One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family!  They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child!  NOT!

I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week.  It was so hard for Mom to endure.  Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back.  WOW!  Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress!  This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.

I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK  to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be!  Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today.  But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…

July 6, 2009 at 3:12 pm Leave a comment

Parents In The News: Kid On Subway

What Is Your Subway?

What Is Your Subway?

So Izzy was on a NY subway alone.  As a parent coach, people ask my opinion.  Parents want to hear me say either; Mom should never have let a child do that OR It was fine for a NY Mom to do that.  The real answer lies elsewhere for me.  I need more info.  So my Counter Offer is to give, not so much an opinion, but my thoughts on the issues, intentions and impacts of the story. 

The Lead In  I’m curious about the conversations discussed and lessons provided to prepare Izzy for such a task.  Is he prepared for what could go wrong?  Getting lost, stranger snatching, injury, losing his nerve, or poor judgement are all realities that would do well to be covered.  The trick is to be realistic of the hazards without casuing paralyzing fear.  Assume Mom did this; point of fact, he made it home.

The Event Imagine you are Izzy.  What is going through your head as you locate, ride on and then leave the subway for home?  You are feeling trusted, accomplished, capable, powerful and special.  Talk about Appropriate Power! These feelings are not to be scoffed at.  If sending your child on the subway is not in the cards for you, find a way to recreate them for your child.  This is the element of parenting that Mom points up as being missing in the lives of kids today.  We know that, yet are scared to put them out there, thinking the stakes are too high.  What’s your version of the subway?

The Impact Its National News and Judgement for the Mom.  It’s not my place to say if she should or shouldn’t have made that choice, she is in charge of that.  I feel less concerned than when I hear a child was left or fogotten on a subway.  That is evidence of a parent being too concered with other things.  I never got that feeling with this Mom.  It is clear to me she is parenting Izzy in a way that is Intentional not Automatic, Aware not Unconscious, Considering not Past Based.  I am gad to see that. 

What About You?  Your personal opinion does not matter (about this), and that’s democracy, baby.  Instead, spend some time looking at where you have traded your child’s independence for safety without looking deeper.  Where can you foster some new skills for them?  Where are you ready to grow and (gasp) give them back some time to themselves?  Here’s my suggestion:  Instead of setting out to protect them from every danger and mishap (which is in the end utterly impossible), spend some real time literally and figuratively preparing them for WHATEVER happens.  I am clear I cannot promise my child that nothing bad will ever happen, but he knows this; WHATEVER happens, he can handle it, because I promise to raise him with the practical skills and information to do that.  Plus, I’ll be here when he needs me (which is less and less now,) but still very important.

One last thing  IF I were to put my son at the same age, in a similar situation, I would opt for the cell phone; but that’s what I’m in charge of with my little guy.   That’s about the best you’ll get from me.  To Izzy’s Mom, you’re on to something, keep digging.

June 22, 2009 at 4:21 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Types Of Crying & Then What?

What Type Is This?

What Type Is This?

There are 6 Types of Crying if you care to learn them.  BTW the crying behavior looks different at different ages, so by crying I also mean, whining, fussing, yelling, bickering, complaining, name calling, and general verbal outbursts.  This could turn your Power Struggles around instantly. 

Sad or Hurt Crying is when you need to respond.  Don’t assume though, ask.  Are you hurt crying?  Are you sad about your friend moving?  If they are, provide kisses, bandaids, ice, hugs, comfort, listen and sympathize at will.  This is when they need you and need to deal with a feeling to get it out. 

Happy Crying is just like it sounds.  When they are that Happy, join them!  If you happen to be the one weeping with joy, say that so they don’t fret over you!

Tired Crying or Attention Crying are a means to an end that you may be able to help them with.  Think long car trips with cranky kids or upsets when you are on the phone and you see the problem.  It’s not what they need, it’s how they ask.  Teach them to say, “I’m tired,” when they need help settling down or the activity to quiet.  Model for them saying, “I want attention,” when they crave a piece of you.  Let them know that you will indulge them unless you absolutely can’t but they need to ask another way.  This works amazingly, try it!

Silly Crying is when they are trying to manipulate those around them to a different result.  Think of this type of behavior as a fire which must be starved of any and all oxygen in order to smother it!  As soon as you have a cryer, make sure it is not another type, if they just want something they can’t get (at the moment), that’s TBSS (Too Bad SO Sad).  This is where our parenting backbone is tested.  Be clear that if they use this crying, NOTHING will happen and NOTHING will go their way.  Be confident and do not undermine yourself!  Let’em wail and wait it out (preferably in another room) when they have self control back, you talk.  Not before.

April 17, 2009 at 5:45 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Get Started Already! Agreements Await

A big part of the Family Plan Starter Kit

A big part of the Family Plan Starter Kit

I’ve done some research.  Here’s what those I’ve asked have said;  when they hear about my program they immediately see value and like the concepts.  Here’s what else they say.  That they don’t get started right away!  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  The results can’t happen without getting started, and believe me the results are the Juice of our program.  You can study Power Struggles all you want, but if you don’t change anything with your kids, nothing will change.

So I asked why and here’s what they say:

Too busy to really make the plan to present to kids

Didn’t know how to explain it to the kids

Couldn’t figure out all the the parts first.

Here’s what you need to know!  Stop acting like you have to figure everything out first and then have the heavens open and the angels sing to make a difference in your family.  Want to get started today?  Here’s how…

The NEXT issue that comes up in your family, notice it and mentally mark it for your first Agreement.After things settle down, say, “The way you and your sister were fighting didn’t wotk for me, did it work for you?”

Ask, “Do you want a family that works?”

Say, “What Agreement can we have that covers fighting that we can agree to have as important?”

Once they figure this out, ask, “OK so we agree to Be Gentle and Use Words When Upset, can you agree to that?”

BAM!  You have your first Agreement.  Stop waiting for your Fairy Godmother to fix it all up for you.  When you ask yourself and your family what they Want More Of and Want Less Of in the family, you will get plenty to make into Agreements.  Cars are a great place to have these talks.  If you have media on your car, TURN IT OFF!  Way better talks that way.

You can leave your inner evil step-parent in the dust and create the fairy tale family of your dreams.  Make it happen today!

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March 29, 2009 at 8:25 pm Leave a comment

See Dawn Roth Live! The 6 Min Look At Her Parenting Crash Course

The calendar is booking up with folks wanting their community to experience The Parenting Crash Course.  We will be appearing at private schools, preschools, birth centers, womanhood/pregnancy spas, mom’s groups, performing arts schools, women’s conferences, community centers, transitional living centers for foster care youth and many more.

To see if your group can get a spot, share this link then contact us for details. 

It is a no cost way to offer value to your families and give them a way to create peace and teamwork at home.  In this economy how valuable would that be?  One Mom just reported this:  4 Days in Orlando, 3 Parks, 2 kids under 6, 1 privilege at risk = 0 POWER STRUGGLES!  Find out what that is all about.

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March 24, 2009 at 4:34 pm 2 comments

Parent Coach Tip: Kids Can’t Demand-Or Can They?

Kids & Destiny

Kids & Destiny

I am happy to have had Sonia in my life for the past “school year,” but more than that, I am honored that she has chosen to join the team at Licensed 2 Parent as a Parent Coach Intern.  She has taken on learning a lot and shows a true passion for families and creating peace by example.  I have asked her to ocasionally contribute to the blog with her own experiences along the way!  She writes about a particularly cool moment:

Why can’t I demand?!  My 5 year old son wants to know.  We teach that parents are allowed to make Demands.  Children are taught to powerfully Request, but Demands (of their parents or others) are not acceptable.  During a weekend Intensive I attend for Self Discovery, I considered another answer.  When I do inner work to move myself forward, I DEMAND of myself to be my best, my highest, my greatest, etc.  

 

 

Wait a minute, can’t kids can demand of themselves?  They can demand anything they want of themselves.  When I shared this with my son, he liked it!  I saw the empowerment he felt.  It removed the separation that ONLY a parent (or small baby) can Demand.

 

 

Later, he said, “Hey, I can demand of myself without saying please!” 

“Absolutely, kid, absolutely!”  When will you talk with your kids and let them know they can demand? … of themselves!

 

Sonia Hankin, MHC, CIC

Certified Integrative Coach

www.theglobalheart.org/soniahankin

Parent Coach Intern

www.Licensed2Parent.com

February 19, 2009 at 9:35 pm Leave a comment

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