Posts tagged ‘childrens agreements’

Parent Coaching Tip: Referees Beware!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

It seems kids are always bickering with each other.  How do we stop it?  In 3 words: Step In Less.  When you solve for X in their equations and struggles, you deny them practice they need to learn to work things out. 

Imagine it:  Three boys 6-8 playing hide n seek.  One gets smack happy and the other two start saying that “as a consequence” they will count very quickly or with their eyes open because they are not happy with this treatment.  Things quickly deteriorate.                                                                             

Would You:

A.  Say nothing; let them work it out (unless it comes to blows)

B.  Tell the one who was hitting to cut it out

C.  Tell the “victims’ to move on and stop being mean

D.  Offer to guide them in working it out, until they can do this part on their own

A, B and C all miss out on the group empowerment available in option D.  But Referees beware, don’t try this without proper training or you just end up enabling them to wait for the hero to save them from conflict.  Handling conflict is, BTW, the main skill being developed here. 

The Actual Conversation That Helped:

Are you all having fun?  No.  Do you need to give consequences to each other?  No.  What do you sound like?  A Parent.  What could you do instead?  Ask to make new Agreements.  OK, Who’s first?  They each offered an Agreement:  Hands Off, Count Slow, and Close Eyes.  They all agreed and then were off to the races. 

Two of the three kids families know the Licensed2Parent program, so at this point, these talks go much more quickly nowadays.  This could be you and yours!

August 11, 2009 at 11:36 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip – Managing Behavior

Capture the basic elements of your Parenting Plan!

Capture the basic elements of your Parenting Plan!

When we launched our first product, the Licensed 2 Parent Starter Kit, I realized that our own Ageements at home were for the most part outdated. That was strange. We had started with our original Agreements back when our son was three. We had 24 of them. I just found the old posterboard behind a cabinet we moved. It was so cool to see them after so long. So many of them were old news; things that were so critical then, but over time, they became part of his foundational behavior. Listen the first time is now solid. Never thought that would happen! Hold hands and stay together is no longer a concern, he sticks around pretty well. Our focus is on independence now too, so it is less that he does it all the time, and more that my expectations have shifted as he grows into new stages.
What we came up with currently are the second wave, so to speak and they include some of my favorites yet. One concern was that he was behaving with that preschool entitlement mindset where your meal mess is ignored, people give you stuff beacuse they should and who cares how adults pay for the entire Transformer fleet? I want it, now. We have three great new agreements that work on replacing these unwanted habits with our values:
First time manners
Beat the reminder
Be grateful
How we use them looks like this:
He needs to use polite words as things happen without being prompted.
As we give him something he has asked for, if he does not say Thank you, we say, “If you are not using first time manners, we cannot give you this.” If that is not possible, we use one of the current privileges from our list. If in the same day he fails to use manners, a another privilege is at risk. We are getting much better results.
He needs to manage the mess he creates while eating, playing, etc. before we remind him.
This works so well, because he treats it as a game. Using the A + B = C is not really necessary, but it is there if we need it.
He needs to show that he is thankful for what he has, even if he wants more.
Ever given a child a few nice surprises and they whine for even more? That makes us twitch, so this was critical for us. It has already prompted some comments like, “Thanks for dessert, next time can I have some ice cream?” Now that is music to our ears!
For more information on Agreements, the Starter Kit and other Licensed 2 Parent concepts to use with your children, visit www.licensed2parent.com.
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November 1, 2008 at 3:30 pm Leave a comment


Dawn Roth

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