Posts tagged ‘parent education’

Parent Coaching Tip: Are You To Blame? YES!

Do you take credit for the job you do?

Do you take credit for the job you do?

I have news for parents.  It IS all your fault. 

Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you.  But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child.  As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior.  Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name.  This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it.  I get that. 

What I don’t get is the opposite effect.  When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will “blame” something else for the turnaround they created!

One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family!  They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child!  NOT!

I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week.  It was so hard for Mom to endure.  Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back.  WOW!  Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress!  This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.

I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK  to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be!  Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today.  But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…

July 6, 2009 at 3:12 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Types Of Crying & Then What?

What Type Is This?

What Type Is This?

There are 6 Types of Crying if you care to learn them.  BTW the crying behavior looks different at different ages, so by crying I also mean, whining, fussing, yelling, bickering, complaining, name calling, and general verbal outbursts.  This could turn your Power Struggles around instantly. 

Sad or Hurt Crying is when you need to respond.  Don’t assume though, ask.  Are you hurt crying?  Are you sad about your friend moving?  If they are, provide kisses, bandaids, ice, hugs, comfort, listen and sympathize at will.  This is when they need you and need to deal with a feeling to get it out. 

Happy Crying is just like it sounds.  When they are that Happy, join them!  If you happen to be the one weeping with joy, say that so they don’t fret over you!

Tired Crying or Attention Crying are a means to an end that you may be able to help them with.  Think long car trips with cranky kids or upsets when you are on the phone and you see the problem.  It’s not what they need, it’s how they ask.  Teach them to say, “I’m tired,” when they need help settling down or the activity to quiet.  Model for them saying, “I want attention,” when they crave a piece of you.  Let them know that you will indulge them unless you absolutely can’t but they need to ask another way.  This works amazingly, try it!

Silly Crying is when they are trying to manipulate those around them to a different result.  Think of this type of behavior as a fire which must be starved of any and all oxygen in order to smother it!  As soon as you have a cryer, make sure it is not another type, if they just want something they can’t get (at the moment), that’s TBSS (Too Bad SO Sad).  This is where our parenting backbone is tested.  Be clear that if they use this crying, NOTHING will happen and NOTHING will go their way.  Be confident and do not undermine yourself!  Let’em wail and wait it out (preferably in another room) when they have self control back, you talk.  Not before.

April 17, 2009 at 5:45 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip: Get Started Already! Agreements Await

A big part of the Family Plan Starter Kit

A big part of the Family Plan Starter Kit

I’ve done some research.  Here’s what those I’ve asked have said;  when they hear about my program they immediately see value and like the concepts.  Here’s what else they say.  That they don’t get started right away!  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  The results can’t happen without getting started, and believe me the results are the Juice of our program.  You can study Power Struggles all you want, but if you don’t change anything with your kids, nothing will change.

So I asked why and here’s what they say:

Too busy to really make the plan to present to kids

Didn’t know how to explain it to the kids

Couldn’t figure out all the the parts first.

Here’s what you need to know!  Stop acting like you have to figure everything out first and then have the heavens open and the angels sing to make a difference in your family.  Want to get started today?  Here’s how…

The NEXT issue that comes up in your family, notice it and mentally mark it for your first Agreement.After things settle down, say, “The way you and your sister were fighting didn’t wotk for me, did it work for you?”

Ask, “Do you want a family that works?”

Say, “What Agreement can we have that covers fighting that we can agree to have as important?”

Once they figure this out, ask, “OK so we agree to Be Gentle and Use Words When Upset, can you agree to that?”

BAM!  You have your first Agreement.  Stop waiting for your Fairy Godmother to fix it all up for you.  When you ask yourself and your family what they Want More Of and Want Less Of in the family, you will get plenty to make into Agreements.  Cars are a great place to have these talks.  If you have media on your car, TURN IT OFF!  Way better talks that way.

You can leave your inner evil step-parent in the dust and create the fairy tale family of your dreams.  Make it happen today!

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March 29, 2009 at 8:25 pm Leave a comment

See Dawn Roth Live! The 6 Min Look At Her Parenting Crash Course

The calendar is booking up with folks wanting their community to experience The Parenting Crash Course.  We will be appearing at private schools, preschools, birth centers, womanhood/pregnancy spas, mom’s groups, performing arts schools, women’s conferences, community centers, transitional living centers for foster care youth and many more.

To see if your group can get a spot, share this link then contact us for details. 

It is a no cost way to offer value to your families and give them a way to create peace and teamwork at home.  In this economy how valuable would that be?  One Mom just reported this:  4 Days in Orlando, 3 Parks, 2 kids under 6, 1 privilege at risk = 0 POWER STRUGGLES!  Find out what that is all about.

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March 24, 2009 at 4:34 pm 2 comments

Parent Coach Tip: Kids Can’t Demand-Or Can They?

Kids & Destiny

Kids & Destiny

I am happy to have had Sonia in my life for the past “school year,” but more than that, I am honored that she has chosen to join the team at Licensed 2 Parent as a Parent Coach Intern.  She has taken on learning a lot and shows a true passion for families and creating peace by example.  I have asked her to ocasionally contribute to the blog with her own experiences along the way!  She writes about a particularly cool moment:

Why can’t I demand?!  My 5 year old son wants to know.  We teach that parents are allowed to make Demands.  Children are taught to powerfully Request, but Demands (of their parents or others) are not acceptable.  During a weekend Intensive I attend for Self Discovery, I considered another answer.  When I do inner work to move myself forward, I DEMAND of myself to be my best, my highest, my greatest, etc.  

 

 

Wait a minute, can’t kids can demand of themselves?  They can demand anything they want of themselves.  When I shared this with my son, he liked it!  I saw the empowerment he felt.  It removed the separation that ONLY a parent (or small baby) can Demand.

 

 

Later, he said, “Hey, I can demand of myself without saying please!” 

“Absolutely, kid, absolutely!”  When will you talk with your kids and let them know they can demand? … of themselves!

 

Sonia Hankin, MHC, CIC

Certified Integrative Coach

www.theglobalheart.org/soniahankin

Parent Coach Intern

www.Licensed2Parent.com

February 19, 2009 at 9:35 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching- What’s the State of Your Parenting?

What future will be his?

What future will be his?

Regardless of the state of the economy, we still have children to raise.  And looking around at the world today it seems critically important now, more than ever, to raise them well.  By providing parenting that is sound and educates each child, we will create high functioning adults.  Here are some intriguing concepts to digest on this momentous day.

Reform Has Not Worked-You’d have to be under a rock to have missed the decline in basic skills and coping skills in evidence these days.  The reasons are many and they compound one another, but look at it this way, we have focused reform on many areas of life to very little effect.  School reform is not working, no child left behind is way behind.  Public programs are barely making a dent in the face of the need.  Why have we not gone to the source of most of our society’s issues?  Parent reform is where we focus.

Personalized Parenting– The reason is that we see parenthood as an inalienable right and a deeply personal one.  No one wants to be told, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child.”  Well, what if something you were told could make a huge difference in how your family operates?  What if it could mean that your kids could be happier, more productive adults that became great parents because of the choices you make today?  Would you at least be interested?  We are counting on that. 

Resisting Change-There is a current of change flowing through families.  It is gaining momemtum and it is seeking a way to do things that is not based on the way things have always been done.  That is why our program works.  When parents sit and hear the basics the first time, they agree it sounds like a great concept but they wonder how it would apply in their own family. 

It is natural to think that what sounds so (why didn’t I think of that?) simple wouldn’t work with your kids.  It’s common to think that the challanges you have are unlike anyone else’s or impervious to improvement.  When it comes to making changes in your family, the thing to know it this:  you are not special and you are not hopeless!  When we hide behind being unique and beyond help, it does nothing for our children.  We make that change available.

The Difference– In our Coaching Events we see over and over again that something happens when you get the opportunity to watch your parenting as an observer.  The usual cycle goes like this:  something happens/ you tell your child something, they get upset, you get upset that they are upset, they get more upset (for more attention or power), you try to parent that they are upset…you can see where this ends up, right? 

When you hear the Licensed 2 Parent program, and then take it live into your family you may (for the first time) see how you getting emotionally involved with your child’s emotional reactions has been a flawed plan.  It contributes to the cycle.  Once you are trained to allow your child to be in charge of their own reactions, you can put into practice some techniques for coaching them through it and gaining some coping skills.  Then you become ready for the Advanced Coaching that is delivered within the second session of our live events.

At Licensed 2 Parent our goal is to make a difference at the source of the issue, the central conversation and interactions between parent and child.  We deal in the singular because it is sacred and is most powerful one to one, as opposed to sibling groups or team parenting.  When people can feel appropriate power as a child they don’t need to struggle for it.  When parents aren’t worried about errant children they can’t control, they can be amazing at their jobs and make a difference in the world. 

When faced with the thought, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child,” we teach this:  Consider they are not truly “yours,” they are someone’s wife, someone’s husband, someone’s parent.  What would that future spouse or parent want you to do?

Visit www.licensed2parent.com for more info.

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November 5, 2008 at 2:57 pm Leave a comment

Parent Coaching Tip – Managing Behavior

Capture the basic elements of your Parenting Plan!

Capture the basic elements of your Parenting Plan!

When we launched our first product, the Licensed 2 Parent Starter Kit, I realized that our own Ageements at home were for the most part outdated. That was strange. We had started with our original Agreements back when our son was three. We had 24 of them. I just found the old posterboard behind a cabinet we moved. It was so cool to see them after so long. So many of them were old news; things that were so critical then, but over time, they became part of his foundational behavior. Listen the first time is now solid. Never thought that would happen! Hold hands and stay together is no longer a concern, he sticks around pretty well. Our focus is on independence now too, so it is less that he does it all the time, and more that my expectations have shifted as he grows into new stages.
What we came up with currently are the second wave, so to speak and they include some of my favorites yet. One concern was that he was behaving with that preschool entitlement mindset where your meal mess is ignored, people give you stuff beacuse they should and who cares how adults pay for the entire Transformer fleet? I want it, now. We have three great new agreements that work on replacing these unwanted habits with our values:
First time manners
Beat the reminder
Be grateful
How we use them looks like this:
He needs to use polite words as things happen without being prompted.
As we give him something he has asked for, if he does not say Thank you, we say, “If you are not using first time manners, we cannot give you this.” If that is not possible, we use one of the current privileges from our list. If in the same day he fails to use manners, a another privilege is at risk. We are getting much better results.
He needs to manage the mess he creates while eating, playing, etc. before we remind him.
This works so well, because he treats it as a game. Using the A + B = C is not really necessary, but it is there if we need it.
He needs to show that he is thankful for what he has, even if he wants more.
Ever given a child a few nice surprises and they whine for even more? That makes us twitch, so this was critical for us. It has already prompted some comments like, “Thanks for dessert, next time can I have some ice cream?” Now that is music to our ears!
For more information on Agreements, the Starter Kit and other Licensed 2 Parent concepts to use with your children, visit www.licensed2parent.com.
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November 1, 2008 at 3:30 pm Leave a comment


Dawn Roth

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