Parent Coaching Tip – How to Parent Your Neighbor’s Kids

Parenting is at first a physical challenge, then slowly, it morphs into a mental challenge. As you begin to unravel the intricacies of this central relationship, you may notice there are natural laws at play. You hear just how closely you are observed when your choicest words fly from your child’s mouth. You watch them test the boundries over and over with amazing stamina and endurance. Still they are special beings, they belong to your family in a way, and at times, you wonder about the miracle of it all.

Until they bring the neighbor kid over. Or a new friend from school. There is nothing quite like getting a glimpse into the world of another family than to hang out with their kid without them. It all seems to go very well at first. They play nicely, get along, take turns, but at some point you need to step in to be the authority. This can be a sticky moment. The reaction can be surprisingly good, or turn sour when you least expect it. It seems the measure of a successful playdate might be how many times I was called upon to have a parenting moment with your child.

For my sister, it was an older child who brought her Demand to a halt with one little question. As he began to take a helmet style toy outside, she told him to choose something else since that was an inside toy. He turned and asked “Why?”

She scrambled, her two were a few years younger so her skills were not up to speed with his cunning and diversionary tactics. As she began to explain her reasoning to a 7 year old, she realized she had stepped into his trap. A moment later she saw an even bigger dilemma. Now that she had aswered his query, he was sharing his differing opinion and she was forced to PUT HER FOOT DOWN so to speak. Her concern lay not in getting him to do it, but in his retelling of the incident to his mother later. Not knowing her very well, she wanted to seem like a reasonable mom, of course.

Later she asked me for parent coaching for that situation. What I worked out with her has worked so well, she shares it often when others complain about simlar expereinces.

We began by assuming some intentions:

The right to parent your child is sacred between that child and their own parents.

By sending a child over to another household, you include that parent in your authority equation.

Having a plan within your own house makes it very simple and clear when parenting a visiting child.

You want them to have fun, learn and keep the agreements, but not walk all over you.

Any retelling of interactions must seems logical and reasonable yet not pass judgement on the child’s home base.

Step One-Before Parenting Moment: Declare

When the child arrives, you state the basic agreement you need to have. In this case it was, “Hey Garrett, nice to see you. While you are playing we have an agreement in our family to Listen the first time. Can you do that while you are here?” Garrett agrees. “OK, if you forget, I’ll remind you once that you made the agreement and you can choose what to do next. If you don’t keep the agreement, you can go play at home and come back another day. Got it?” He does.

Step Two- During Parenting Moment: Act

When the parent sees the need to use their authority as a Demand. Garrett either keeps the agreement and gets praised for remembering (Hey Garrett, great job remembering the, listen the first time agreement!) or doesn’t. Let’s say the same scenario happens:

“Keep that toy inside, please.”

“Why?”

“Choose to keep it inside or not. Then we will discuss why if you like.”

OR

(Garrett, remember that agreement about listening? This would be what I was talking about, what do you choose?)

Notice that the Why? is more of a diversion to buy time and avoid that he was told to do something.

Step Three-After Parenting Moment: Consistency

If Garrett choose to listen he is free to play.

If he takes the toy out or continues to haggle, “Garrett, it was nice to see you today. You can come back another day. Bye now!”

Can you imagine that when he goes home there is no worry that he will turn the story around to make you look incompetent? You can easily explain the steps you took to his parent. Impressive. The best outcome is that on the next visit, you will be listened to the first time, since his experience is that you do what you say.

Here’s the best part, in managing this moment with a child she was not emotionally attached to, my sister saw that her own children were getting away with asking Why? of a demand instead of choosing their behavior. She immediately began to respond newly to this with awesome results. If you are too close emotionally to figure your way out of a Parenting Moment, switch kids with a friend and try out some new skills. You will get a whole new perspective on your family!

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