Parent Coaching Tip: Are You To Blame? YES!

Do you take credit for the job you do?

I have news for parents.  It IS all your fault. 

Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you.  But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child.  As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior.  Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name.  This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it.  I get that. 

What I don’t get is the opposite effect.  When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will ”blame” something else for the turnaround they created!

One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family!  They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child!  NOT!

I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week.  It was so hard for Mom to endure.  Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back.  WOW!  Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress!  This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.

I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK  to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be!  Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today.  But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…

Parent Coaching Tip: Get Started Already! Agreements Await

A big part of the Family Plan Starter Kit

I’ve done some research.  Here’s what those I’ve asked have said;  when they hear about my program they immediately see value and like the concepts.  Here’s what else they say.  That they don’t get started right away!  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  The results can’t happen without getting started, and believe me the results are the Juice of our program.  You can study Power Struggles all you want, but if you don’t change anything with your kids, nothing will change.

So I asked why and here’s what they say:

Too busy to really make the plan to present to kids

Didn’t know how to explain it to the kids

Couldn’t figure out all the the parts first.

Here’s what you need to know!  Stop acting like you have to figure everything out first and then have the heavens open and the angels sing to make a difference in your family.  Want to get started today?  Here’s how…

The NEXT issue that comes up in your family, notice it and mentally mark it for your first Agreement.After things settle down, say, “The way you and your sister were fighting didn’t wotk for me, did it work for you?”

Ask, “Do you want a family that works?”

Say, “What Agreement can we have that covers fighting that we can agree to have as important?”

Once they figure this out, ask, “OK so we agree to Be Gentle and Use Words When Upset, can you agree to that?”

BAM!  You have your first Agreement.  Stop waiting for your Fairy Godmother to fix it all up for you.  When you ask yourself and your family what they Want More Of and Want Less Of in the family, you will get plenty to make into Agreements.  Cars are a great place to have these talks.  If you have media on your car, TURN IT OFF!  Way better talks that way.

You can leave your inner evil step-parent in the dust and create the fairy tale family of your dreams.  Make it happen today!

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See Dawn Roth Live! The 6 Min Look At Her Parenting Crash Course

The calendar is booking up with folks wanting their community to experience The Parenting Crash Course.  We will be appearing at private schools, preschools, birth centers, womanhood/pregnancy spas, mom’s groups, performing arts schools, women’s conferences, community centers, transitional living centers for foster care youth and many more.

To see if your group can get a spot, share this link then contact us for details. 

It is a no cost way to offer value to your families and give them a way to create peace and teamwork at home.  In this economy how valuable would that be?  One Mom just reported this:  4 Days in Orlando, 3 Parks, 2 kids under 6, 1 privilege at risk = 0 POWER STRUGGLES!  Find out what that is all about.

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Parent Coach Tip: Kids Can’t Demand-Or Can They?

Kids & Destiny

I am happy to have had Sonia in my life for the past “school year,” but more than that, I am honored that she has chosen to join the team at Licensed 2 Parent as a Parent Coach Intern.  She has taken on learning a lot and shows a true passion for families and creating peace by example.  I have asked her to ocasionally contribute to the blog with her own experiences along the way!  She writes about a particularly cool moment:

Why can’t I demand?!  My 5 year old son wants to know.  We teach that parents are allowed to make Demands.  Children are taught to powerfully Request, but Demands (of their parents or others) are not acceptable.  During a weekend Intensive I attend for Self Discovery, I considered another answer.  When I do inner work to move myself forward, I DEMAND of myself to be my best, my highest, my greatest, etc.  

 

 

Wait a minute, can’t kids can demand of themselves?  They can demand anything they want of themselves.  When I shared this with my son, he liked it!  I saw the empowerment he felt.  It removed the separation that ONLY a parent (or small baby) can Demand.

 

 

Later, he said, “Hey, I can demand of myself without saying please!” 

“Absolutely, kid, absolutely!”  When will you talk with your kids and let them know they can demand? … of themselves!

 

Sonia Hankin, MHC, CIC

Certified Integrative Coach

www.theglobalheart.org/soniahankin

Parent Coach Intern

www.Licensed2Parent.com

Parent Coaching: Affordable, On Demand Service

Parent Support is a phone call away!

Parents love my program.  They get results and want to know how to fully put it to use in their own family.  Up to now, the best way to do that was to attend a live event (not always convenient) or work with me in the home as your personal coach (not always in the budget).  These options were limited in how far the program could reach and that was my biggest concern.  I am compelled to get this message to the families who want and need it!  Now I can…

If you ever wished you had access to an expert Parent Coach when your parenting went haywire or your results were awful, this is the program for you.  The Pre Paid Parent Coaching program gives you affordable yet on demand support when you need it.  Under $20 per month gets you 30 to 60 minutes on the phone with a Parent Coach working on a parent plan custom for your family plus discounts on tools, products, hourly coaching and live events.  There is nothing else out there like it. 

All your questions and curiosity can be handled on the website www.licensed2parent.com then click the button for Pre Paid Parent Coaching.  Please share this post with the next parent that complains to you or is frustrated about being a parent.  They are doing the best they can, yet if they are willing to take a look at their own behavior, their best can get better very quickly!

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Parent Coaching Tip – Managing Behavior

Capture the basic elements of your Parenting Plan!

When we launched our first product, the Licensed 2 Parent Starter Kit, I realized that our own Ageements at home were for the most part outdated. That was strange. We had started with our original Agreements back when our son was three. We had 24 of them. I just found the old posterboard behind a cabinet we moved. It was so cool to see them after so long. So many of them were old news; things that were so critical then, but over time, they became part of his foundational behavior. Listen the first time is now solid. Never thought that would happen! Hold hands and stay together is no longer a concern, he sticks around pretty well. Our focus is on independence now too, so it is less that he does it all the time, and more that my expectations have shifted as he grows into new stages.

What we came up with currently are the second wave, so to speak and they include some of my favorites yet. One concern was that he was behaving with that preschool entitlement mindset where your meal mess is ignored, people give you stuff beacuse they should and who cares how adults pay for the entire Transformer fleet? I want it, now. We have three great new agreements that work on replacing these unwanted habits with our values:

First time manners

Beat the reminder

Be grateful

How we use them looks like this:

He needs to use polite words as things happen without being prompted.

As we give him something he has asked for, if he does not say Thank you, we say, “If you are not using first time manners, we cannot give you this.” If that is not possible, we use one of the current privileges from our list. If in the same day he fails to use manners, a another privilege is at risk. We are getting much better results.

He needs to manage the mess he creates while eating, playing, etc. before we remind him.

This works so well, because he treats it as a game. Using the A + B = C is not really necessary, but it is there if we need it.

He needs to show that he is thankful for what he has, even if he wants more.

Ever given a child a few nice surprises and they whine for even more? That makes us twitch, so this was critical for us. It has already prompted some comments like, “Thanks for dessert, next time can I have some ice cream?” Now that is music to our ears!

For more information on Agreements, the Starter Kit and other Licensed 2 Parent concepts to use with your children, visit www.licensed2parent.com.

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Parent Coaching Tip – How to Parent Your Neighbor’s Kids

Parenting is at first a physical challenge, then slowly, it morphs into a mental challenge. As you begin to unravel the intricacies of this central relationship, you may notice there are natural laws at play. You hear just how closely you are observed when your choicest words fly from your child’s mouth. You watch them test the boundries over and over with amazing stamina and endurance. Still they are special beings, they belong to your family in a way, and at times, you wonder about the miracle of it all.

Until they bring the neighbor kid over. Or a new friend from school. There is nothing quite like getting a glimpse into the world of another family than to hang out with their kid without them. It all seems to go very well at first. They play nicely, get along, take turns, but at some point you need to step in to be the authority. This can be a sticky moment. The reaction can be surprisingly good, or turn sour when you least expect it. It seems the measure of a successful playdate might be how many times I was called upon to have a parenting moment with your child.

For my sister, it was an older child who brought her Demand to a halt with one little question. As he began to take a helmet style toy outside, she told him to choose something else since that was an inside toy. He turned and asked “Why?”

She scrambled, her two were a few years younger so her skills were not up to speed with his cunning and diversionary tactics. As she began to explain her reasoning to a 7 year old, she realized she had stepped into his trap. A moment later she saw an even bigger dilemma. Now that she had aswered his query, he was sharing his differing opinion and she was forced to PUT HER FOOT DOWN so to speak. Her concern lay not in getting him to do it, but in his retelling of the incident to his mother later. Not knowing her very well, she wanted to seem like a reasonable mom, of course.

Later she asked me for parent coaching for that situation. What I worked out with her has worked so well, she shares it often when others complain about simlar expereinces.

We began by assuming some intentions:

The right to parent your child is sacred between that child and their own parents.

By sending a child over to another household, you include that parent in your authority equation.

Having a plan within your own house makes it very simple and clear when parenting a visiting child.

You want them to have fun, learn and keep the agreements, but not walk all over you.

Any retelling of interactions must seems logical and reasonable yet not pass judgement on the child’s home base.

Step One-Before Parenting Moment: Declare

When the child arrives, you state the basic agreement you need to have. In this case it was, “Hey Garrett, nice to see you. While you are playing we have an agreement in our family to Listen the first time. Can you do that while you are here?” Garrett agrees. “OK, if you forget, I’ll remind you once that you made the agreement and you can choose what to do next. If you don’t keep the agreement, you can go play at home and come back another day. Got it?” He does.

Step Two- During Parenting Moment: Act

When the parent sees the need to use their authority as a Demand. Garrett either keeps the agreement and gets praised for remembering (Hey Garrett, great job remembering the, listen the first time agreement!) or doesn’t. Let’s say the same scenario happens:

“Keep that toy inside, please.”

“Why?”

“Choose to keep it inside or not. Then we will discuss why if you like.”

OR

(Garrett, remember that agreement about listening? This would be what I was talking about, what do you choose?)

Notice that the Why? is more of a diversion to buy time and avoid that he was told to do something.

Step Three-After Parenting Moment: Consistency

If Garrett choose to listen he is free to play.

If he takes the toy out or continues to haggle, “Garrett, it was nice to see you today. You can come back another day. Bye now!”

Can you imagine that when he goes home there is no worry that he will turn the story around to make you look incompetent? You can easily explain the steps you took to his parent. Impressive. The best outcome is that on the next visit, you will be listened to the first time, since his experience is that you do what you say.

Here’s the best part, in managing this moment with a child she was not emotionally attached to, my sister saw that her own children were getting away with asking Why? of a demand instead of choosing their behavior. She immediately began to respond newly to this with awesome results. If you are too close emotionally to figure your way out of a Parenting Moment, switch kids with a friend and try out some new skills. You will get a whole new perspective on your family!

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