Parent Coach Tips: Who Wants A Parenting Makeover?

Your Parenting Cheat Sheet

You don’t have to be ugly to benefit from a beauty makeover.  Parenting is the same.  You can freshen your outlook and results with a few tricks of the trade and simple tools that will stop your minor parenting issues in their tracks. 

Go Live. At a parent conference, workshop or course, you can get so much accomplished.  See how you are making power struggles last longer and more frequent due to a parent’s bad habits.  Communication Gears clear up so many repetitive conversations.  You get to ask questions and hear the coaching of other parents which in turn may help your family.

Read & Think.  If you are a contemplative parent or going through a divorce with emotional ups and downs; a book, blog, audio product or DVD may be a good bet.  You pick the where and when yet can stop at will.  This helps you understand parenting issues at the basic level.  You may miss how to structure a useful A + B = C Statement to manage tantrums with a child, but when it is reviewable, things start to gel so your parenting moments are smoother.

Talk Shop.  Do you use conversation to make a change or decision?  Then get with the Parent Coaching Hotline.  This is so hot, so new, so unheard of, parents don’t get it.  For under $96, you become a member plus get the eBook and Home Starter Kit.  Then, just $16 a month gives you access to a Parent Coach for unlimited topics, 30 minutes per topic!  One Dad called to check in on his idea to use his daughter’s Birthday party as privilege for how she was relating to the new family after his marriage.  In minutes, he had a confident, empowered plan that worked!

 

Your Family Can Work, Beautifully!

Cheat Sheet. Feel like you forget the logic you know when you get triggered by your child?  Parenting discipline includes having a structure  that is there for your “family” even when you are off.  The Home Starter Kit has it all posted for you.  Keep track of the current Agreements that work for your family, refer to the four Communication Gears when your child is Demanding the *%$@ out of you, manage your chosen Privileges to motivate behavior choices (and they do NOT have to match the neighbors), avoid sounding like an idiot in public with your iron clad Rights worked out, let them know where you will not negotiate with Parent In Charge situations, but give lots of appropriate power through the Child In Charge list.  If you haven’t seen it you gotta check it out!

Open The Door.  Ever wished Supernanny could come to your house?  It’s certainly possible.  What you don’t realize is how much your parenting can improve even if the family is not in crisis.  A Parent Coach can see so many patterns at work in your family that are hidden to you.  It takes usually 4 hours over 2 sessions.  Go from parenting fail to parenting that amazes even you!

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Parent Coaching Tip: Do You Do Too Much For Your Kid?

No Doubt About Their Skills

Oh come on, you know what I’m talking about…clearing dishes, tidying up, carrying bags for them, all the little niceties that you just do naturally as a way to say I love you.  There is a downside to treating a child this way that you need to know about.  They learn that the world is a magic place where things are taken care of for them with no concerete idea how clean laundry ACTUALLY gets back into the drawer.  But wait there’s more…and it’s worse!

When you manage your kids lives, run the routine, skipper the schedule, you send a message to your child = You Can’t Handle This.  Not only are you training them to be lazy, entitled, dependent and unskilled (gasp!)  They honestly begin to feel that there must be a good reason they manage nothing, they conclude they must not be capable.

The Fix?  Step back, fight the urge to do for them and invite them to handle things.  If that makes you cringe…that’s your first clue this is necessary.  Look for this behavior: they tell you what’s wrong (they are hungry or tired or bored) and wait expectantly for you to solve that for them.  Now, you will reply:  Thanks for letting me know.  Anything else?  (Don’t forget to smile!)  Until they make a real Request, Do Not Act. 

Let kids struggle, fall short, fail, be confused, get uncomfortable, feel frustrated and wonder how it will all turn out.  You can offer sage guidance but do it from the side, letting them know it is ultimately up to them to manage.  Use the word Manage; as in, “You can manage that, I know it.”  This gives them real world practice in problem solving and the golden ring of self esteem building:  actual accomplishment!

Parent Coach Tip: Kids Can’t Demand-Or Can They?

Kids & Destiny

I am happy to have had Sonia in my life for the past “school year,” but more than that, I am honored that she has chosen to join the team at Licensed 2 Parent as a Parent Coach Intern.  She has taken on learning a lot and shows a true passion for families and creating peace by example.  I have asked her to ocasionally contribute to the blog with her own experiences along the way!  She writes about a particularly cool moment:

Why can’t I demand?!  My 5 year old son wants to know.  We teach that parents are allowed to make Demands.  Children are taught to powerfully Request, but Demands (of their parents or others) are not acceptable.  During a weekend Intensive I attend for Self Discovery, I considered another answer.  When I do inner work to move myself forward, I DEMAND of myself to be my best, my highest, my greatest, etc.  

 

 

Wait a minute, can’t kids can demand of themselves?  They can demand anything they want of themselves.  When I shared this with my son, he liked it!  I saw the empowerment he felt.  It removed the separation that ONLY a parent (or small baby) can Demand.

 

 

Later, he said, “Hey, I can demand of myself without saying please!” 

“Absolutely, kid, absolutely!”  When will you talk with your kids and let them know they can demand? … of themselves!

 

Sonia Hankin, MHC, CIC

Certified Integrative Coach

www.theglobalheart.org/soniahankin

Parent Coach Intern

www.Licensed2Parent.com

Parent Coaching: Affordable, On Demand Service

Parent Support is a phone call away!

Parents love my program.  They get results and want to know how to fully put it to use in their own family.  Up to now, the best way to do that was to attend a live event (not always convenient) or work with me in the home as your personal coach (not always in the budget).  These options were limited in how far the program could reach and that was my biggest concern.  I am compelled to get this message to the families who want and need it!  Now I can…

If you ever wished you had access to an expert Parent Coach when your parenting went haywire or your results were awful, this is the program for you.  The Pre Paid Parent Coaching program gives you affordable yet on demand support when you need it.  Under $20 per month gets you 30 to 60 minutes on the phone with a Parent Coach working on a parent plan custom for your family plus discounts on tools, products, hourly coaching and live events.  There is nothing else out there like it. 

All your questions and curiosity can be handled on the website www.licensed2parent.com then click the button for Pre Paid Parent Coaching.  Please share this post with the next parent that complains to you or is frustrated about being a parent.  They are doing the best they can, yet if they are willing to take a look at their own behavior, their best can get better very quickly!

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Parent Coaching- Tips On Needless Power Struggles

Who Needs A Ball To Wear The Gown?

A friend once described the biggest fight repeating in their household with their three year old daughter.  When they were leaving the house, the daughter wanted to wear her princess dress or fancy pajamas and high heels.  The Mom flatly refused, so there would be a regular tussle and yelling every time they left the house. 

As she told me this horror, she actually blinked at me, waiting to hear me agree that she indeed had it tough.  What I actually said was what I usually say when someone I know gives me the gift of seeing a parenting insight within their own lives, “Do you want some coaching?”

 

Before I go on, I must share that people who know me are fully aware of my focus on and vision for families.  If someone does not want my coaching, not only do I not offer it outwardly, I do not judge them internally.  That would interfere with my ability to make a difference, when and if they ever do invite my perspective, and it would suck to be around me.  I can’t have that. 

 

So back to the little princess… The Mom says, ‘What did you hear?”

 

I asked her why it’s not ok to wear a costume in public, for her.  She gave a few reasons that were along the lines of that it would be embarrassing, people would stare, they may talk and think ill of her or her daughter.  Your garden variety chatter that goes on in your head at 500 words a minute.  Wait… do you hear it?  The voice that said, “I don’t have a voice!”  That’s the one.

 

Right then, her eyes got wide and she saw that her reasons had nothing to do with supporting her daughter and everything to do with keeping up appearances.  There was a shift in her relationship and I had a new concept to share.  What you are in chage of and what your child is in charge of. 

 

In the Licensed 2 Parent program, we train you to think carefully about these and list them out.  Two things happen.  Things the parent thought they needed to be in charge of get moved over to the child.  This offers new opportunities for appropriate power to the child, reducing the need to create power struggles.  The other thing is that the kids get practice in managing aspects of their life under your loving guidance.  This builds their self-esteem, confidence, expression and independence in natural ways.  That is what future adults need practice in. 

 

My son loves to wear his clothes backwards, mismatch socks and shoes, and dress up in a Super Buzz Venom outfit to play outside with friends.  He looks like a goof, but I’m not in charge of that and he knows it.  When it’s time to pick up to leave for an appointment, he is cooperative because I am in charge of that, and he knows it.  That’s what I am out to create, families that work. 

 

PS The Little Princess lived happily ever after wearing her gowns about town for almost a year, after that she moved on to another fashion statement.  Mom still is going with it.

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Parent Coaching Tip – Managing Behavior

Capture the basic elements of your Parenting Plan!

When we launched our first product, the Licensed 2 Parent Starter Kit, I realized that our own Ageements at home were for the most part outdated. That was strange. We had started with our original Agreements back when our son was three. We had 24 of them. I just found the old posterboard behind a cabinet we moved. It was so cool to see them after so long. So many of them were old news; things that were so critical then, but over time, they became part of his foundational behavior. Listen the first time is now solid. Never thought that would happen! Hold hands and stay together is no longer a concern, he sticks around pretty well. Our focus is on independence now too, so it is less that he does it all the time, and more that my expectations have shifted as he grows into new stages.

What we came up with currently are the second wave, so to speak and they include some of my favorites yet. One concern was that he was behaving with that preschool entitlement mindset where your meal mess is ignored, people give you stuff beacuse they should and who cares how adults pay for the entire Transformer fleet? I want it, now. We have three great new agreements that work on replacing these unwanted habits with our values:

First time manners

Beat the reminder

Be grateful

How we use them looks like this:

He needs to use polite words as things happen without being prompted.

As we give him something he has asked for, if he does not say Thank you, we say, “If you are not using first time manners, we cannot give you this.” If that is not possible, we use one of the current privileges from our list. If in the same day he fails to use manners, a another privilege is at risk. We are getting much better results.

He needs to manage the mess he creates while eating, playing, etc. before we remind him.

This works so well, because he treats it as a game. Using the A + B = C is not really necessary, but it is there if we need it.

He needs to show that he is thankful for what he has, even if he wants more.

Ever given a child a few nice surprises and they whine for even more? That makes us twitch, so this was critical for us. It has already prompted some comments like, “Thanks for dessert, next time can I have some ice cream?” Now that is music to our ears!

For more information on Agreements, the Starter Kit and other Licensed 2 Parent concepts to use with your children, visit www.licensed2parent.com.

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Parent Coaching Tip – How to Parent Your Neighbor’s Kids

Parenting is at first a physical challenge, then slowly, it morphs into a mental challenge. As you begin to unravel the intricacies of this central relationship, you may notice there are natural laws at play. You hear just how closely you are observed when your choicest words fly from your child’s mouth. You watch them test the boundries over and over with amazing stamina and endurance. Still they are special beings, they belong to your family in a way, and at times, you wonder about the miracle of it all.

Until they bring the neighbor kid over. Or a new friend from school. There is nothing quite like getting a glimpse into the world of another family than to hang out with their kid without them. It all seems to go very well at first. They play nicely, get along, take turns, but at some point you need to step in to be the authority. This can be a sticky moment. The reaction can be surprisingly good, or turn sour when you least expect it. It seems the measure of a successful playdate might be how many times I was called upon to have a parenting moment with your child.

For my sister, it was an older child who brought her Demand to a halt with one little question. As he began to take a helmet style toy outside, she told him to choose something else since that was an inside toy. He turned and asked “Why?”

She scrambled, her two were a few years younger so her skills were not up to speed with his cunning and diversionary tactics. As she began to explain her reasoning to a 7 year old, she realized she had stepped into his trap. A moment later she saw an even bigger dilemma. Now that she had aswered his query, he was sharing his differing opinion and she was forced to PUT HER FOOT DOWN so to speak. Her concern lay not in getting him to do it, but in his retelling of the incident to his mother later. Not knowing her very well, she wanted to seem like a reasonable mom, of course.

Later she asked me for parent coaching for that situation. What I worked out with her has worked so well, she shares it often when others complain about simlar expereinces.

We began by assuming some intentions:

The right to parent your child is sacred between that child and their own parents.

By sending a child over to another household, you include that parent in your authority equation.

Having a plan within your own house makes it very simple and clear when parenting a visiting child.

You want them to have fun, learn and keep the agreements, but not walk all over you.

Any retelling of interactions must seems logical and reasonable yet not pass judgement on the child’s home base.

Step One-Before Parenting Moment: Declare

When the child arrives, you state the basic agreement you need to have. In this case it was, “Hey Garrett, nice to see you. While you are playing we have an agreement in our family to Listen the first time. Can you do that while you are here?” Garrett agrees. “OK, if you forget, I’ll remind you once that you made the agreement and you can choose what to do next. If you don’t keep the agreement, you can go play at home and come back another day. Got it?” He does.

Step Two- During Parenting Moment: Act

When the parent sees the need to use their authority as a Demand. Garrett either keeps the agreement and gets praised for remembering (Hey Garrett, great job remembering the, listen the first time agreement!) or doesn’t. Let’s say the same scenario happens:

“Keep that toy inside, please.”

“Why?”

“Choose to keep it inside or not. Then we will discuss why if you like.”

OR

(Garrett, remember that agreement about listening? This would be what I was talking about, what do you choose?)

Notice that the Why? is more of a diversion to buy time and avoid that he was told to do something.

Step Three-After Parenting Moment: Consistency

If Garrett choose to listen he is free to play.

If he takes the toy out or continues to haggle, “Garrett, it was nice to see you today. You can come back another day. Bye now!”

Can you imagine that when he goes home there is no worry that he will turn the story around to make you look incompetent? You can easily explain the steps you took to his parent. Impressive. The best outcome is that on the next visit, you will be listened to the first time, since his experience is that you do what you say.

Here’s the best part, in managing this moment with a child she was not emotionally attached to, my sister saw that her own children were getting away with asking Why? of a demand instead of choosing their behavior. She immediately began to respond newly to this with awesome results. If you are too close emotionally to figure your way out of a Parenting Moment, switch kids with a friend and try out some new skills. You will get a whole new perspective on your family!

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