Parent Coach Tips: Parenting In Public

Toddler Smack Down

It happened again.  I’m at a bagel joint minding my own business when the 2 year old at the next table hauls off and whacks mom in the face.  I get that sinking feeling that I get when I know I’m about to watch 1) a woman go parental 2)a child be stripped of all dignity 3) I get a front row seat.  Let the inner moan begin…

But wait, what’s that I see?  Did Mom just say firmly, yet quietly, You Do Not Hit! as she moved the wee one away from her to the next seat and effectively stopped being a target?  Yes!  And when the toddler puts on her best face of horror and begins the crying that fully involves her bottom lip, am I mistaken that mom is unmoved and turns her attention to the other people, talking with them until the girl quiets down?  No I am not!  I am enthralled…

What I am witnessing is impeccable parenting, technically sound reactions and skill building lessons that this child (and her new baby brother) will benefit from for their lifetime and beyond.  Hurrah!  But wait there’s more…now mom turns her attention back to her calm child and asks if she is done.  With a meek yes, she is scooped back up to an embrace and the loving interactions continue as if nothing happened.  It was nothing short of breathtaking.

How many times have we seen nails-on-chalkboard parenting in public that has us warring inside between speaking up, getting involved and butting out?  People ask all the time what to do.  Emotionally, you want to respond but it may make things worse for the child later.  Responsibily, you are compelled to act, yet it seems you are passing judgement if you do.  Practically, it is not appropriate to offer unsolicited advice or redirect a struggling parent.  In the case of extreme violence, you know what to do.  If someone’s parenting style doesn’t gel with yours, the line is more blurred.

Here’s what I suggest; look for, seek out, encourage and notice the parenting marvels around you.  When you see something done well, go out of your way to let them know you noticed.  I went over to the table, complimented the baby, asked the sister’s name, then looked into that mom’s eyes and told her the way she handled her child just now, was just… beautiful.  We both teared up in the moment.   

Teacher use praise to motivate behavior we want to see more of, but it must be specific, not Good Job.  In sharing exactly what was so impressive, she got valuable feedback.  Find the parents like her, tell them how happy you are they are rocking it.  It feels awesome!

Parent Coaching Tip: Are You To Blame? YES!

Do you take credit for the job you do?

I have news for parents.  It IS all your fault. 

Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you.  But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child.  As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior.  Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name.  This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it.  I get that. 

What I don’t get is the opposite effect.  When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will ”blame” something else for the turnaround they created!

One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family!  They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child!  NOT!

I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week.  It was so hard for Mom to endure.  Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back.  WOW!  Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress!  This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.

I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK  to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be!  Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today.  But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…

Parents In The News: Kid On Subway

What Is Your Subway?

So Izzy was on a NY subway alone.  As a parent coach, people ask my opinion.  Parents want to hear me say either; Mom should never have let a child do that OR It was fine for a NY Mom to do that.  The real answer lies elsewhere for me.  I need more info.  So my Counter Offer is to give, not so much an opinion, but my thoughts on the issues, intentions and impacts of the story. 

The Lead In  I’m curious about the conversations discussed and lessons provided to prepare Izzy for such a task.  Is he prepared for what could go wrong?  Getting lost, stranger snatching, injury, losing his nerve, or poor judgement are all realities that would do well to be covered.  The trick is to be realistic of the hazards without casuing paralyzing fear.  Assume Mom did this; point of fact, he made it home.

The Event Imagine you are Izzy.  What is going through your head as you locate, ride on and then leave the subway for home?  You are feeling trusted, accomplished, capable, powerful and special.  Talk about Appropriate Power! These feelings are not to be scoffed at.  If sending your child on the subway is not in the cards for you, find a way to recreate them for your child.  This is the element of parenting that Mom points up as being missing in the lives of kids today.  We know that, yet are scared to put them out there, thinking the stakes are too high.  What’s your version of the subway?

The Impact Its National News and Judgement for the Mom.  It’s not my place to say if she should or shouldn’t have made that choice, she is in charge of that.  I feel less concerned than when I hear a child was left or fogotten on a subway.  That is evidence of a parent being too concered with other things.  I never got that feeling with this Mom.  It is clear to me she is parenting Izzy in a way that is Intentional not Automatic, Aware not Unconscious, Considering not Past Based.  I am gad to see that. 

What About You?  Your personal opinion does not matter (about this), and that’s democracy, baby.  Instead, spend some time looking at where you have traded your child’s independence for safety without looking deeper.  Where can you foster some new skills for them?  Where are you ready to grow and (gasp) give them back some time to themselves?  Here’s my suggestion:  Instead of setting out to protect them from every danger and mishap (which is in the end utterly impossible), spend some real time literally and figuratively preparing them for WHATEVER happens.  I am clear I cannot promise my child that nothing bad will ever happen, but he knows this; WHATEVER happens, he can handle it, because I promise to raise him with the practical skills and information to do that.  Plus, I’ll be here when he needs me (which is less and less now,) but still very important.

One last thing  IF I were to put my son at the same age, in a similar situation, I would opt for the cell phone; but that’s what I’m in charge of with my little guy.   That’s about the best you’ll get from me.  To Izzy’s Mom, you’re on to something, keep digging.

Parent Coach Releases The Official Parenting Handbook!

I'm Wowed By This!

On Mother’s Day:  A gift to every parent out there!

Even I’ve been wondering where I’ve been!  I just released (with the amazing assistance of my brilliant and truly patient husband, Daniel) The Official Parenting Handbook.  Here’s what you need to know:

You can read it in AN HOUR!

It will upgrade your parenting from OK to killer!

It’s a Reference book on the Study of Power Struggles

There is lots more info here:

http://www.licensed2parent.com/official_parenting_handbook_land.htm

Parent Coaching- What’s the State of Your Parenting?

What future will be his?

Regardless of the state of the economy, we still have children to raise.  And looking around at the world today it seems critically important now, more than ever, to raise them well.  By providing parenting that is sound and educates each child, we will create high functioning adults.  Here are some intriguing concepts to digest on this momentous day.

Reform Has Not Worked-You’d have to be under a rock to have missed the decline in basic skills and coping skills in evidence these days.  The reasons are many and they compound one another, but look at it this way, we have focused reform on many areas of life to very little effect.  School reform is not working, no child left behind is way behind.  Public programs are barely making a dent in the face of the need.  Why have we not gone to the source of most of our society’s issues?  Parent reform is where we focus.

Personalized Parenting- The reason is that we see parenthood as an inalienable right and a deeply personal one.  No one wants to be told, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child.”  Well, what if something you were told could make a huge difference in how your family operates?  What if it could mean that your kids could be happier, more productive adults that became great parents because of the choices you make today?  Would you at least be interested?  We are counting on that. 

Resisting Change-There is a current of change flowing through families.  It is gaining momemtum and it is seeking a way to do things that is not based on the way things have always been done.  That is why our program works.  When parents sit and hear the basics the first time, they agree it sounds like a great concept but they wonder how it would apply in their own family. 

It is natural to think that what sounds so (why didn’t I think of that?) simple wouldn’t work with your kids.  It’s common to think that the challanges you have are unlike anyone else’s or impervious to improvement.  When it comes to making changes in your family, the thing to know it this:  you are not special and you are not hopeless!  When we hide behind being unique and beyond help, it does nothing for our children.  We make that change available.

The Difference- In our Coaching Events we see over and over again that something happens when you get the opportunity to watch your parenting as an observer.  The usual cycle goes like this:  something happens/ you tell your child something, they get upset, you get upset that they are upset, they get more upset (for more attention or power), you try to parent that they are upset…you can see where this ends up, right? 

When you hear the Licensed 2 Parent program, and then take it live into your family you may (for the first time) see how you getting emotionally involved with your child’s emotional reactions has been a flawed plan.  It contributes to the cycle.  Once you are trained to allow your child to be in charge of their own reactions, you can put into practice some techniques for coaching them through it and gaining some coping skills.  Then you become ready for the Advanced Coaching that is delivered within the second session of our live events.

At Licensed 2 Parent our goal is to make a difference at the source of the issue, the central conversation and interactions between parent and child.  We deal in the singular because it is sacred and is most powerful one to one, as opposed to sibling groups or team parenting.  When people can feel appropriate power as a child they don’t need to struggle for it.  When parents aren’t worried about errant children they can’t control, they can be amazing at their jobs and make a difference in the world. 

When faced with the thought, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child,” we teach this:  Consider they are not truly “yours,” they are someone’s wife, someone’s husband, someone’s parent.  What would that future spouse or parent want you to do?

Visit www.licensed2parent.com for more info.

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