Parent Coaching Tip: Types Of Crying & Then What?

What Type Is This?

There are 6 Types of Crying if you care to learn them.  BTW the crying behavior looks different at different ages, so by crying I also mean, whining, fussing, yelling, bickering, complaining, name calling, and general verbal outbursts.  This could turn your Power Struggles around instantly. 

Sad or Hurt Crying is when you need to respond.  Don’t assume though, ask.  Are you hurt crying?  Are you sad about your friend moving?  If they are, provide kisses, bandaids, ice, hugs, comfort, listen and sympathize at will.  This is when they need you and need to deal with a feeling to get it out. 

Happy Crying is just like it sounds.  When they are that Happy, join them!  If you happen to be the one weeping with joy, say that so they don’t fret over you!

Tired Crying or Attention Crying are a means to an end that you may be able to help them with.  Think long car trips with cranky kids or upsets when you are on the phone and you see the problem.  It’s not what they need, it’s how they ask.  Teach them to say, “I’m tired,” when they need help settling down or the activity to quiet.  Model for them saying, “I want attention,” when they crave a piece of you.  Let them know that you will indulge them unless you absolutely can’t but they need to ask another way.  This works amazingly, try it!

Silly Crying is when they are trying to manipulate those around them to a different result.  Think of this type of behavior as a fire which must be starved of any and all oxygen in order to smother it!  As soon as you have a cryer, make sure it is not another type, if they just want something they can’t get (at the moment), that’s TBSS (Too Bad SO Sad).  This is where our parenting backbone is tested.  Be clear that if they use this crying, NOTHING will happen and NOTHING will go their way.  Be confident and do not undermine yourself!  Let’em wail and wait it out (preferably in another room) when they have self control back, you talk.  Not before.

Parent Coaching Insight: Who Gets Mom In The Car?

Where Do You Sit?

What do you think when you look into another car and see Dad driving dutifully but Mom in the back next to a car seat?  Marriage out of focus?  Poor Guy?  What’s with the Mom?  I think of power.  If you know me at all, you are not surprised.  

Any baby worth their salt has used their power to wrap parents around their chubby fingers.  I teach families that this is the way of the world, the design of humankind.  I coach parents to marinate an infant in love and show them that the world is a trustworthy place.  Be there, meet their needs, comfort them and all that. 

But I must admit I am jarred by the sight of a woman forsaking her place next to her mate in a car.  I can understand that at times, rare times, a baby may need a bottle held on the way to a scheduled event.  I get that.  What I don’t get is when the child is past infancy, facing forward and not currently in need.  What I don’t get is when all the players in this drama have the look of familiarity borne of habit. 

What are the concerns of a parent that has them sit in the back as a matter of course?  Entertainment?  Boredom is necessary to teach inventiveness.  Crying?  If avoiding simple crying has you jump through these hoops, I fear for your parenting backbone.  Connection?  As parents, you need to model the primary connection to your life partner so they see how critical that bond is. 

If you are a parent that has talked yourself into this choice as a need for your family, take another look.  Your child has seized too much inapproriate power in this, and perhaps other, instances.  Talk with the other parent and get some clarity.  Habits you don’t think about can cause other issues .  And get your butt in the front seat for gosh sakes.

Parent Coaching: Can Kids Earn Privileges Back?

The "Earn Back" Privilege Puzzle Solved!

Not really.  This is a total FAQ when I work with families.  It seems to them that if a child misbehaves they lose something, if they behave again they can get it back, right?  Nope.  Here’s what gets left out.  Reality in adulthood.  Oh and creating another power struggle.  Let’s take one at a time.

Real World

When you speed you may or may not get a ticket.  If you do get “caught” and have to pay, if you stop speeding (forever? a week?) you don’t get your money back.  Having a privilege at risk means it is at risk.  The best privileges are the non-physical ones of opportunity: getting to choose a restaurant, spending extra alone time with a parent, having free time to do as you please, computer time.  You can never get these back. 

If you DO remove a physical thing, it comes back into play after a set time that works for your family, say a day.  You want the emphasis on the fact that the child’s next choice will have an impact.  Then provide the impact and allow them to experience it fully.  The goal is for them to know that when you say you will take a privilege, you will and they will notice it is gone.  Then they will choose the behavior that works more often (without having the thing even removed!)

Power Struggle

When you give a child a moment to consider if their behavior works for your family (through Agreements) you give them the appropriate power to choose the next move with our without a consequence.  Once they choose to do what doesn’t work, they experience the impact of that choice.

If you then allow them to “earn” back the privilege through doing what works, you are giving Inapproriate Power by letting them say when the impact is complete.  Putting them in that driver’s seat creates them knowing that your consequences are only as temporary as they choose them to be.  That’s a parenting red alert.

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