Posts Tagged child
Parent Coach Tips: Parenting In Public
Toddler Smack Down
It happened again. I’m at a bagel joint minding my own business when the 2 year old at the next table hauls off and whacks mom in the face. I get that sinking feeling that I get when I know I’m about to watch 1) a woman go parental 2)a child be stripped of all dignity 3) I get a front row seat. Let the inner moan begin…
But wait, what’s that I see? Did Mom just say firmly, yet quietly, You Do Not Hit! as she moved the wee one away from her to the next seat and effectively stopped being a target? Yes! And when the toddler puts on her best face of horror and begins the crying that fully involves her bottom lip, am I mistaken that mom is unmoved and turns her attention to the other people, talking with them until the girl quiets down? No I am not! I am enthralled…
What I am witnessing is impeccable parenting, technically sound reactions and skill building lessons that this child (and her new baby brother) will benefit from for their lifetime and beyond. Hurrah! But wait there’s more…now mom turns her attention back to her calm child and asks if she is done. With a meek yes, she is scooped back up to an embrace and the loving interactions continue as if nothing happened. It was nothing short of breathtaking.
How many times have we seen nails-on-chalkboard parenting in public that has us warring inside between speaking up, getting involved and butting out? People ask all the time what to do. Emotionally, you want to respond but it may make things worse for the child later. Responsibily, you are compelled to act, yet it seems you are passing judgement if you do. Practically, it is not appropriate to offer unsolicited advice or redirect a struggling parent. In the case of extreme violence, you know what to do. If someone’s parenting style doesn’t gel with yours, the line is more blurred.
Here’s what I suggest; look for, seek out, encourage and notice the parenting marvels around you. When you see something done well, go out of your way to let them know you noticed. I went over to the table, complimented the baby, asked the sister’s name, then looked into that mom’s eyes and told her the way she handled her child just now, was just… beautiful. We both teared up in the moment.
Teacher use praise to motivate behavior we want to see more of, but it must be specific, not Good Job. In sharing exactly what was so impressive, she got valuable feedback. Find the parents like her, tell them how happy you are they are rocking it. It feels awesome!
1 comment October 26, 2009
Parent Coaching: Want a child who is a pleasure?
Is Your Child Good?
Hmmm. Words I wish could be surgically deleted from the vocabulary of the human race: GOOD BAD RIGHT WRONG SHOULD SHOULDN’T & TRY We wouldn’t even miss them much. Except when we need to correct a magazine quiz or send back some turned meat.
If you are relying on these words to explain the behavior of people in (or out) of your family; you are unwittingly stuck in a trap. A trap built of judgement and sprung by something different than how you see yourself. Watch this.
Picking up a child at school/daycare: Were you good today? Child asking for mini golf: Well, let’s see if you can be good all week. Grandma serving dessert: You’ve been so good today…
Labeling children or their behavior as Good points out very subtly, but surely, that they are capable of being BAD. Even if you never say it. Raising your child to gain your approval to be Good (OR not Bad) has long term effects that you are probably still dealing with yourself from childhood.
So what’s an alternative? (Note that it is not the right thing to do, just a suggestion to consider…) Talk about what “Works for your family.” Be clear what does not work for your family. Note that different families have different agreements that work for them. This is true tolerance.
Expect and teach your child to be a pleasure, play a game that you will have no parenting moments, tell them when they have truly impressed you and acknowledge them for being the amazing creatures they are.
Yesterday I told my son that while I could pick up his breakfast dish for him out of pure love, I chose to have him come do it so he would not drive his future wife crazy. He respected that. So will she…
Add comment August 17, 2009
Parent Coaching Tip: Are You To Blame? YES!
Do you take credit for the job you do?
I have news for parents. It IS all your fault.
Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you. But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child. As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior. Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name. This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it. I get that.
What I don’t get is the opposite effect. When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will ”blame” something else for the turnaround they created!
One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family! They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child! NOT!
I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week. It was so hard for Mom to endure. Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back. WOW! Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress! This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.
I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be! Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today. But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…
Add comment July 6, 2009
Parent Coaching: The Art of the Powerful Request
Use Parenting Skills That Work
I love to tell this story. My son asked me to work out of my office so he could watch a movie in the living room. I said, No Thanks to his Request and suggested he watch in the other room. After a traditional begging round, I asked; did he want some coaching on a Request that might work? Here’s the parenting talk of a Powerful Request:
It’s Not About You- Why would Mom not choose to move? Too much trouble? Consider her perspective, or ask…
Solve It- What can you do to show you are willing to go out of your way to give her a hand with the issue she has?
Tit For Tat- Are you asking a parent for a straight out favor? What can a child do to sweeten the deal? Think of a valuable thing to offer in kind.
Now he was ready; he planned to help me move my work things into the office AND help unload the dishwasher too! I encouraged him to use the new, improved Powerful Request for way better results.
He chose to watch his movie in the other room. 
Was it a parenting fail? NOT!
But get this: I got to stay put, he got to powerfully choose the other room, he learned HOW to Powerfully Request in a way he will remember, he got Appropriate Power without bickering, arguing, Domination, head games, begging, or tantrums. Very cool.
Try it! Parenting that works is a thrill.
Add comment June 27, 2009
Parent Coaching Tip: Do You Do Too Much For Your Kid?
No Doubt About Their Skills
Oh come on, you know what I’m talking about…clearing dishes, tidying up, carrying bags for them, all the little niceties that you just do naturally as a way to say I love you. There is a downside to treating a child this way that you need to know about. They learn that the world is a magic place where things are taken care of for them with no concerete idea how clean laundry ACTUALLY gets back into the drawer. But wait there’s more…and it’s worse!
When you manage your kids lives, run the routine, skipper the schedule, you send a message to your child = You Can’t Handle This. Not only are you training them to be lazy, entitled, dependent and unskilled (gasp!) They honestly begin to feel that there must be a good reason they manage nothing, they conclude they must not be capable.
The Fix? Step back, fight the urge to do for them and invite them to handle things. If that makes you cringe…that’s your first clue this is necessary. Look for this behavior: they tell you what’s wrong (they are hungry or tired or bored) and wait expectantly for you to solve that for them. Now, you will reply: Thanks for letting me know. Anything else? (Don’t forget to smile!) Until they make a real Request, Do Not Act.
Let kids struggle, fall short, fail, be confused, get uncomfortable, feel frustrated and wonder how it will all turn out. You can offer sage guidance but do it from the side, letting them know it is ultimately up to them to manage. Use the word Manage; as in, “You can manage that, I know it.” This gives them real world practice in problem solving and the golden ring of self esteem building: actual accomplishment!
2 comments May 28, 2009
Parent Coaching Tip: Types Of Crying & Then What?
What Type Is This?
There are 6 Types of Crying if you care to learn them. BTW the crying behavior looks different at different ages, so by crying I also mean, whining, fussing, yelling, bickering, complaining, name calling, and general verbal outbursts. This could turn your Power Struggles around instantly.
Sad or Hurt Crying is when you need to respond. Don’t assume though, ask. Are you hurt crying? Are you sad about your friend moving? If they are, provide kisses, bandaids, ice, hugs, comfort, listen and sympathize at will. This is when they need you and need to deal with a feeling to get it out.
Happy Crying is just like it sounds. When they are that Happy, join them! If you happen to be the one weeping with joy, say that so they don’t fret over you!
Tired Crying or Attention Crying are a means to an end that you may be able to help them with. Think long car trips with cranky kids or upsets when you are on the phone and you see the problem. It’s not what they need, it’s how they ask. Teach them to say, “I’m tired,” when they need help settling down or the activity to quiet. Model for them saying, “I want attention,” when they crave a piece of you. Let them know that you will indulge them unless you absolutely can’t but they need to ask another way. This works amazingly, try it!
Silly Crying is when they are trying to manipulate those around them to a different result. Think of this type of behavior as a fire which must be starved of any and all oxygen in order to smother it! As soon as you have a cryer, make sure it is not another type, if they just want something they can’t get (at the moment), that’s TBSS (Too Bad SO Sad). This is where our parenting backbone is tested. Be clear that if they use this crying, NOTHING will happen and NOTHING will go their way. Be confident and do not undermine yourself! Let’em wail and wait it out (preferably in another room) when they have self control back, you talk. Not before.
Add comment April 17, 2009
Parent Coach Tip: Kids Can’t Demand-Or Can They?
Kids & Destiny
I am happy to have had Sonia in my life for the past “school year,” but more than that, I am honored that she has chosen to join the team at Licensed 2 Parent as a Parent Coach Intern. She has taken on learning a lot and shows a true passion for families and creating peace by example. I have asked her to ocasionally contribute to the blog with her own experiences along the way! She writes about a particularly cool moment:
Why can’t I demand?! My 5 year old son wants to know. We teach that parents are allowed to make Demands. Children are taught to powerfully Request, but Demands (of their parents or others) are not acceptable. During a weekend Intensive I attend for Self Discovery, I considered another answer. When I do inner work to move myself forward, I DEMAND of myself to be my best, my highest, my greatest, etc.
Wait a minute, can’t kids can demand of themselves? They can demand anything they want of themselves. When I shared this with my son, he liked it! I saw the empowerment he felt. It removed the separation that ONLY a parent (or small baby) can Demand.
Later, he said, “Hey, I can demand of myself without saying please!”
“Absolutely, kid, absolutely!” When will you talk with your kids and let them know they can demand? … of themselves!
Sonia Hankin, MHC, CIC
Certified Integrative Coach
www.theglobalheart.org/soniahankin
Parent Coach Intern
Add comment February 19, 2009
Parent Coaching Insight: Who Gets Mom In The Car?
Where Do You Sit?
What do you think when you look into another car and see Dad driving dutifully but Mom in the back next to a car seat? Marriage out of focus? Poor Guy? What’s with the Mom? I think of power. If you know me at all, you are not surprised.
Any baby worth their salt has used their power to wrap parents around their chubby fingers. I teach families that this is the way of the world, the design of humankind. I coach parents to marinate an infant in love and show them that the world is a trustworthy place. Be there, meet their needs, comfort them and all that.
But I must admit I am jarred by the sight of a woman forsaking her place next to her mate in a car. I can understand that at times, rare times, a baby may need a bottle held on the way to a scheduled event. I get that. What I don’t get is when the child is past infancy, facing forward and not currently in need. What I don’t get is when all the players in this drama have the look of familiarity borne of habit.
What are the concerns of a parent that has them sit in the back as a matter of course? Entertainment? Boredom is necessary to teach inventiveness. Crying? If avoiding simple crying has you jump through these hoops, I fear for your parenting backbone. Connection? As parents, you need to model the primary connection to your life partner so they see how critical that bond is.
If you are a parent that has talked yourself into this choice as a need for your family, take another look. Your child has seized too much inapproriate power in this, and perhaps other, instances. Talk with the other parent and get some clarity. Habits you don’t think about can cause other issues . And get your butt in the front seat for gosh sakes.
1 comment February 1, 2009
Parent Coaching: No You Share!
Must a Child Share? Do You?
You’re in the park and another child wants the toy your child is currently playing with. Quick, what would you do? Be honest, how many times have you encouraged, expected, begged, coerced or forced your child to share? Now ask, why you would do that? To save face, to impress the other parent, to teach your child to be nice or considerate?
Next question: would you lend your car keys, purse or husband to just anyone? Even your best friend would know to ask nicely and expect nothing. And some things are off limits. Period. So are adults really sharing in the way that we ask our kids to share? Not really. Yet the prevailing opinion is that sharing is good, being selfish is bad. So what can a thoughtful parent do?
Stop making kids share is a good start. If you want to teach consideration in a real world context, explore Trading as a replacement. Instead of insisting that one child arbitrarily loses some power by giving up a toy or a turn to another, ask them to find something of value to trade. When the deals start being made you have a whole new lesson to enjoy!
Kids who have trading skills have practiced finding things others will value, making powerful requests, accepting no as an answer, negotiating creative counter offers and finding a way to solve conflict without force. Not bad for a day at the park!
Start your trading coaching right now. To balance and include altruistic giving experiences for your child, get connected with a charity your family is passionate about. Share your love, not your toys!
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Add comment January 18, 2009
My mission is to cause a monumental shift in parenting as we know it! Wanna help?
dawnroth
