A Tricky Little Business

We may know what is best for them.  We know our knee jerk reaction to the shouted claim…”You are not the boss of me!”  But just as you would never load a racehorse into a starting gate without the considerable and concerted effort of both a trainer and a rider beforehand, you cannot expect a child to do what you’d like them to do, just cuz you say so.  

The Race.  An upset, a tantrum, willfullness or non-compliance are all like being in the race.  An untrained yearling can be mighty hard to ride, but in the heat of the moment, that’s your job during the parenting interactions.  You are not going to deliver your best parenting during these trying times, and frankly even if you are rocking it, they are not hearing it!  Instead focus on safety (theirs, yours and the remote’s,) basic information (You can join us when you are done yelling.) and observe what you need to cover later (They keep trying to engage you in thier drama.)  Most of all keep calm.

The Training.  When the race is over and you have a down moment, that is when you review what happened, what worked (or not) and make a strategic plan for next time.  All good trainers provide these experiences and successful parents know your best parenting gets done in these “non-parenting moments.”  

Most importantly, know that your cannot be both rider and trainer at once.  You’ll fall off.  If you fail to teach, say, appropriate power between the races, you may not fall off, but your horse may stumble in the next race unnecessarily.   You get to say.

How long does it take to reinforce a behavior that you wish would go away?  Again, just a moment.

If I could ambush coach the mom I just saw at a coffee shop, it would make a simple impact with huge long term results.  She did not break any parenting codes, there was no UTube-worthy parenting fail.  Just a simple interaction, almost automatic for both, that is going to drive her crazy over time…so unnecessarily.

Little guy is 2ish.  Mom hands him the bag with muffin to hold.  He does so, very well in fact.  When she is done doctoring her latte, she reaches down for the bag and takes it from him.  He instantly siren screams, a piercing wail that is as practiced as it is effective.  Mom pauses, and then quickly hands it back to him.  He stops the wail then walks out with “his way” clutched in his hands, not even triumphant; just with a look that things are restored to as they should be (to his way of thinking.)

Behavior reinforced:  You piss me off, I threaten a temper tantrum, you cave, I relent.  OK then, see you next time.  Score one for Inappropriate Power.

Opportunity missed:  You have two choices here;  One is give appropraite power by either letting him keep the bag out to the car, as long as he manages it well OR when you think to take it back, request it.  If he wants to keep it, accept his no thanks, as long as it is nicely given,  (not screeched at you.)

The second option is your default reaction everytime your child uses the scream, tantrum, or yell to get what they want.  Everytime.  Stop or pause in giving them what they want; even if it is easier/quieter, or you don’t mind, or you were going to anyway!  Direct them to stop asking that way and model a more acceptable request.   Coffee Mom could have just said, “Honey, no fussing, just say, please Mommy.”  Wait until you see the switch before you comply & only then.  If they do not stop the  fuss, no giving in. 

It may be harder that time, but each time thereafter will get way better.  JAT

Boys In The Men's Room

When it comes to the sex talk with my child, I’m about halfway.  See, I decided all that drama about the BIG TALK with those traditional birds and bees was not for me.  If I’ve learned anything about parents and kids over the years it is this:  Many small, relaxed conversations with bits of good information beat the mother of a download (including all the nitty gritty, shock factor and a powerpoint,) everytime!

So by 7, certain things have happened, basic questions have been asked and that has led us to this cache of knowledge:

1. There is a purpose for private parts and it has to do with babies

2. One reason that things feel so zingy down there is so we WANT to play the game grown ups play that sometimes ends in a baby once we are old enough

3. Most kids are curious and check things out on each other; the first time is a pass, the next time, you are responsible for knowing the agreements (which you made after the first time)

4. There are Agreements, actually Commands, that NO adult will ever play these games without agreement from the other adult

5. All adults know that it is NEVER OK to play the games using privates with a child.  If they do, it is always their fault since kids don’t know how these parts work yet.  Both need help and coaching so keeping that secret Never works out.

What I’ve been able to do, given where we are at, is helping me conquer the one fear I’ve had about raising a boy; let’s call it Public Restroom-phobia.   When my son insists on using a men’s restroom solo, I have disturbing visions stemming from a Jodi Piccoult novel about a little girl who was haunted by a 2 minute fondling in a Mickey D’s men’s room visit spurred by a dare. 

Here’s how it goes now:

Me:  OK I’ll be here, you have 2 minutes.

Him:  OK

M: If anyone gets in your space unless they are helping with soap and papertowels, you call for me.

H: Got it.

(I have gone over and continue to refresh that if someone does anything confusing, scary, or demanding, he is to call me, get away, and if need be, pee on said person.  He loves that.  Be assured I will be in there in two nanoseconds)

Once he returns:  Hey, did all the adults keep their agreements?

Him: Yup!

Now I can go on with my day and my child has a viable plan that has him feel more like a victor than a victim!  What’s your version?

Toddler Smack Down

It happened again.  I’m at a bagel joint minding my own business when the 2 year old at the next table hauls off and whacks mom in the face.  I get that sinking feeling that I get when I know I’m about to watch 1) a woman go parental 2)a child be stripped of all dignity 3) I get a front row seat.  Let the inner moan begin…

But wait, what’s that I see?  Did Mom just say firmly, yet quietly, You Do Not Hit! as she moved the wee one away from her to the next seat and effectively stopped being a target?  Yes!  And when the toddler puts on her best face of horror and begins the crying that fully involves her bottom lip, am I mistaken that mom is unmoved and turns her attention to the other people, talking with them until the girl quiets down?  No I am not!  I am enthralled…

What I am witnessing is impeccable parenting, technically sound reactions and skill building lessons that this child (and her new baby brother) will benefit from for their lifetime and beyond.  Hurrah!  But wait there’s more…now mom turns her attention back to her calm child and asks if she is done.  With a meek yes, she is scooped back up to an embrace and the loving interactions continue as if nothing happened.  It was nothing short of breathtaking.

How many times have we seen nails-on-chalkboard parenting in public that has us warring inside between speaking up, getting involved and butting out?  People ask all the time what to do.  Emotionally, you want to respond but it may make things worse for the child later.  Responsibily, you are compelled to act, yet it seems you are passing judgement if you do.  Practically, it is not appropriate to offer unsolicited advice or redirect a struggling parent.  In the case of extreme violence, you know what to do.  If someone’s parenting style doesn’t gel with yours, the line is more blurred.

Here’s what I suggest; look for, seek out, encourage and notice the parenting marvels around you.  When you see something done well, go out of your way to let them know you noticed.  I went over to the table, complimented the baby, asked the sister’s name, then looked into that mom’s eyes and told her the way she handled her child just now, was just… beautiful.  We both teared up in the moment.   

Teacher use praise to motivate behavior we want to see more of, but it must be specific, not Good Job.  In sharing exactly what was so impressive, she got valuable feedback.  Find the parents like her, tell them how happy you are they are rocking it.  It feels awesome!

Your Parenting Cheat Sheet

You don’t have to be ugly to benefit from a beauty makeover.  Parenting is the same.  You can freshen your outlook and results with a few tricks of the trade and simple tools that will stop your minor parenting issues in their tracks. 

Go Live. At a parent conference, workshop or course, you can get so much accomplished.  See how you are making power struggles last longer and more frequent due to a parent’s bad habits.  Communication Gears clear up so many repetitive conversations.  You get to ask questions and hear the coaching of other parents which in turn may help your family.

Read & Think.  If you are a contemplative parent or going through a divorce with emotional ups and downs; a book, blog, audio product or DVD may be a good bet.  You pick the where and when yet can stop at will.  This helps you understand parenting issues at the basic level.  You may miss how to structure a useful A + B = C Statement to manage tantrums with a child, but when it is reviewable, things start to gel so your parenting moments are smoother.

Talk Shop.  Do you use conversation to make a change or decision?  Then get with the Parent Coaching Hotline.  This is so hot, so new, so unheard of, parents don’t get it.  For under $96, you become a member plus get the eBook and Home Starter Kit.  Then, just $16 a month gives you access to a Parent Coach for unlimited topics, 30 minutes per topic!  One Dad called to check in on his idea to use his daughter’s Birthday party as privilege for how she was relating to the new family after his marriage.  In minutes, he had a confident, empowered plan that worked!

Your Family Can Work, Beautifully!

Cheat Sheet. Feel like you forget the logic you know when you get triggered by your child?  Parenting discipline includes having a structure  that is there for your “family” even when you are off.  The Home Starter Kit has it all posted for you.  Keep track of the current Agreements that work for your family, refer to the four Communication Gears when your child is Demanding the *%$@ out of you, manage your chosen Privileges to motivate behavior choices (and they do NOT have to match the neighbors), avoid sounding like an idiot in public with your iron clad Rights worked out, let them know where you will not negotiate with Parent In Charge situations, but give lots of appropriate power through the Child In Charge list.  If you haven’t seen it you gotta check it out!

Open The Door.  Ever wished Supernanny could come to your house?  It’s certainly possible.  What you don’t realize is how much your parenting can improve even if the family is not in crisis.  A Parent Coach can see so many patterns at work in your family that are hidden to you.  It takes usually 4 hours over 2 sessions.  Go from parenting fail to parenting that amazes even you!

http://www.licensed2parent.com/self_navigation_parenting.html

Is Your Child Good?

Hmmm. Words I wish could be surgically deleted from the vocabulary of the human race:  GOOD   BAD   RIGHT  WRONG   SHOULD   SHOULDN’T  & TRY  We wouldn’t even miss them much.  Except when we need to correct a magazine quiz or send back some turned meat.  

If you are relying on these words to explain the behavior of people in (or out) of your family;  you are unwittingly stuck in a trap.  A trap built of judgement and sprung by something different than how you see yourself.  Watch this.

Picking up a child at school/daycare:  Were you good today?  Child asking for mini golf:  Well, let’s see if you can be good all week.  Grandma serving dessert:  You’ve been so good today…

Labeling children or their behavior as Good points out very subtly, but surely, that they are capable of being BAD.  Even if you never say it.  Raising your child to gain your approval to be Good (OR not Bad) has long term effects that you are probably still dealing with yourself from childhood. 

So what’s an alternative?  (Note that it is not the right thing to do, just a suggestion to consider…)  Talk about what “Works for your family.”  Be clear what does not work for your family.  Note that different families have different agreements that work for them.  This is true tolerance. 

Expect and teach your child to be a pleasure, play a game that you will have no parenting moments, tell them when they have truly impressed you and acknowledge them for being the amazing creatures they are. 

Yesterday I told my son that while I could pick up his breakfast dish for him out of pure love, I chose to have him come do it so he would not drive his future wife crazy.  He respected that.  So will she…

I'm Not Having Fun Now!

It seems kids are always bickering with each other.  How do we stop it?  In 3 words: Step In Less.  When you solve for X in their equations and struggles, you deny them practice they need to learn to work things out. 

Imagine it:  Three boys 6-8 playing hide n seek.  One gets smack happy and the other two start saying that “as a consequence” they will count very quickly or with their eyes open because they are not happy with this treatment.  Things quickly deteriorate.                                                                             

Would You:

A.  Say nothing; let them work it out (unless it comes to blows)

B.  Tell the one who was hitting to cut it out

C.  Tell the “victims’ to move on and stop being mean

D.  Offer to guide them in working it out, until they can do this part on their own

A, B and C all miss out on the group empowerment available in option D.  But Referees beware, don’t try this without proper training or you just end up enabling them to wait for the hero to save them from conflict.  Handling conflict is, BTW, the main skill being developed here. 

The Actual Conversation That Helped:

Are you all having fun?  No.  Do you need to give consequences to each other?  No.  What do you sound like?  A Parent.  What could you do instead?  Ask to make new Agreements.  OK, Who’s first?  They each offered an Agreement:  Hands Off, Count Slow, and Close Eyes.  They all agreed and then were off to the races. 

Two of the three kids families know the Licensed2Parent program, so at this point, these talks go much more quickly nowadays.  This could be you and yours!

Do you take credit for the job you do?

I have news for parents.  It IS all your fault. 

Your children are not flawed or incapable of minding you.  But parents do care about how kids turn out, so it is hard to stand there and say; I did this, I’m the reason I don’t like my own child.  As a Parent Coach, I hear many excuses for kid’s behavior.  Sick, tired, big day coming up, letters next to their name.  This keeps the pressure off the parents when the fan is on and things are hitting it.  I get that. 

What I don’t get is the opposite effect.  When parents I coach get results, (happens everytime, yes, everytime) they will ”blame” something else for the turnaround they created!

One client visited an extended family who’s parenting they admire, and was surprised when the Aunt gave them a glowing parenting compliment, then shared it around the family!  They insisted it was just luck that it was a quiet day for their child!  NOT!

I just got off the phone with someone who’s two year old hit in frustration and had a meltdown 3 times a week.  It was so hard for Mom to endure.  Now this child may hit when thwarted, but then without a word, they go off to the sit spot for some thinking time on their own then stay there until invited back.  WOW!  Dad felt the hitting should be over by now, PLUS they had not realized or congratulated themselves on major progress!  This child has stopped losing control and is trusting the system they put in place.

I’m getting to work making sure parents know they are both the reason and solution for their parenting struggles; furthermore, they need to feel OK  to claim bragging rights when they become the rocking parents they dreamed they could be!  Find some rocking parents yourself and compliment them today.  But don’t let them tell you it’s the weather or the economy…

Use Parenting Skills That Work

I love to tell this story.  My son asked me to work out of my office so he could watch a movie in the living room. I said, No Thanks to his Request and suggested he watch in the other room.  After a traditional begging round, I asked; did he want some coaching on a Request that might work?  Here’s the parenting talk of a Powerful Request:

It’s Not About You- Why would Mom not choose to move?  Too much trouble?  Consider her perspective, or ask…

Solve It- What can you do to show you are willing to go out of your way to give her a hand with the issue she has?

Tit For Tat- Are you asking a parent for a straight out favor?  What can a child do to sweeten the deal?  Think of a valuable thing to offer in kind.

Now he was ready;  he planned to help me move my work things into the office AND help unload the dishwasher too!  I encouraged him to use the new, improved Powerful Request for way better results.

He chose to watch his movie in the other room.   Was it a parenting fail?  NOT!

But get this:  I got to stay put, he got to powerfully choose the other room, he learned HOW to Powerfully Request in a way he will remember, he got Appropriate Power without bickering, arguing, Domination, head games, begging, or tantrums.  Very cool.

Try it!  Parenting that works is a thrill.

What Is Your Subway?

So Izzy was on a NY subway alone.  As a parent coach, people ask my opinion.  Parents want to hear me say either; Mom should never have let a child do that OR It was fine for a NY Mom to do that.  The real answer lies elsewhere for me.  I need more info.  So my Counter Offer is to give, not so much an opinion, but my thoughts on the issues, intentions and impacts of the story. 

The Lead In  I’m curious about the conversations discussed and lessons provided to prepare Izzy for such a task.  Is he prepared for what could go wrong?  Getting lost, stranger snatching, injury, losing his nerve, or poor judgement are all realities that would do well to be covered.  The trick is to be realistic of the hazards without casuing paralyzing fear.  Assume Mom did this; point of fact, he made it home.

The Event Imagine you are Izzy.  What is going through your head as you locate, ride on and then leave the subway for home?  You are feeling trusted, accomplished, capable, powerful and special.  Talk about Appropriate Power! These feelings are not to be scoffed at.  If sending your child on the subway is not in the cards for you, find a way to recreate them for your child.  This is the element of parenting that Mom points up as being missing in the lives of kids today.  We know that, yet are scared to put them out there, thinking the stakes are too high.  What’s your version of the subway?

The Impact Its National News and Judgement for the Mom.  It’s not my place to say if she should or shouldn’t have made that choice, she is in charge of that.  I feel less concerned than when I hear a child was left or fogotten on a subway.  That is evidence of a parent being too concered with other things.  I never got that feeling with this Mom.  It is clear to me she is parenting Izzy in a way that is Intentional not Automatic, Aware not Unconscious, Considering not Past Based.  I am gad to see that. 

What About You?  Your personal opinion does not matter (about this), and that’s democracy, baby.  Instead, spend some time looking at where you have traded your child’s independence for safety without looking deeper.  Where can you foster some new skills for them?  Where are you ready to grow and (gasp) give them back some time to themselves?  Here’s my suggestion:  Instead of setting out to protect them from every danger and mishap (which is in the end utterly impossible), spend some real time literally and figuratively preparing them for WHATEVER happens.  I am clear I cannot promise my child that nothing bad will ever happen, but he knows this; WHATEVER happens, he can handle it, because I promise to raise him with the practical skills and information to do that.  Plus, I’ll be here when he needs me (which is less and less now,) but still very important.

One last thing  IF I were to put my son at the same age, in a similar situation, I would opt for the cell phone; but that’s what I’m in charge of with my little guy.   That’s about the best you’ll get from me.  To Izzy’s Mom, you’re on to something, keep digging.