Parent Coach Tips: Parenting In Public

Toddler Smack Down

It happened again.  I’m at a bagel joint minding my own business when the 2 year old at the next table hauls off and whacks mom in the face.  I get that sinking feeling that I get when I know I’m about to watch 1) a woman go parental 2)a child be stripped of all dignity 3) I get a front row seat.  Let the inner moan begin…

But wait, what’s that I see?  Did Mom just say firmly, yet quietly, You Do Not Hit! as she moved the wee one away from her to the next seat and effectively stopped being a target?  Yes!  And when the toddler puts on her best face of horror and begins the crying that fully involves her bottom lip, am I mistaken that mom is unmoved and turns her attention to the other people, talking with them until the girl quiets down?  No I am not!  I am enthralled…

What I am witnessing is impeccable parenting, technically sound reactions and skill building lessons that this child (and her new baby brother) will benefit from for their lifetime and beyond.  Hurrah!  But wait there’s more…now mom turns her attention back to her calm child and asks if she is done.  With a meek yes, she is scooped back up to an embrace and the loving interactions continue as if nothing happened.  It was nothing short of breathtaking.

How many times have we seen nails-on-chalkboard parenting in public that has us warring inside between speaking up, getting involved and butting out?  People ask all the time what to do.  Emotionally, you want to respond but it may make things worse for the child later.  Responsibily, you are compelled to act, yet it seems you are passing judgement if you do.  Practically, it is not appropriate to offer unsolicited advice or redirect a struggling parent.  In the case of extreme violence, you know what to do.  If someone’s parenting style doesn’t gel with yours, the line is more blurred.

Here’s what I suggest; look for, seek out, encourage and notice the parenting marvels around you.  When you see something done well, go out of your way to let them know you noticed.  I went over to the table, complimented the baby, asked the sister’s name, then looked into that mom’s eyes and told her the way she handled her child just now, was just… beautiful.  We both teared up in the moment.   

Teacher use praise to motivate behavior we want to see more of, but it must be specific, not Good Job.  In sharing exactly what was so impressive, she got valuable feedback.  Find the parents like her, tell them how happy you are they are rocking it.  It feels awesome!

Parent Coach Tips: Who Wants A Parenting Makeover?

Your Parenting Cheat Sheet

You don’t have to be ugly to benefit from a beauty makeover.  Parenting is the same.  You can freshen your outlook and results with a few tricks of the trade and simple tools that will stop your minor parenting issues in their tracks. 

Go Live. At a parent conference, workshop or course, you can get so much accomplished.  See how you are making power struggles last longer and more frequent due to a parent’s bad habits.  Communication Gears clear up so many repetitive conversations.  You get to ask questions and hear the coaching of other parents which in turn may help your family.

Read & Think.  If you are a contemplative parent or going through a divorce with emotional ups and downs; a book, blog, audio product or DVD may be a good bet.  You pick the where and when yet can stop at will.  This helps you understand parenting issues at the basic level.  You may miss how to structure a useful A + B = C Statement to manage tantrums with a child, but when it is reviewable, things start to gel so your parenting moments are smoother.

Talk Shop.  Do you use conversation to make a change or decision?  Then get with the Parent Coaching Hotline.  This is so hot, so new, so unheard of, parents don’t get it.  For under $96, you become a member plus get the eBook and Home Starter Kit.  Then, just $16 a month gives you access to a Parent Coach for unlimited topics, 30 minutes per topic!  One Dad called to check in on his idea to use his daughter’s Birthday party as privilege for how she was relating to the new family after his marriage.  In minutes, he had a confident, empowered plan that worked!

 

Your Family Can Work, Beautifully!

Cheat Sheet. Feel like you forget the logic you know when you get triggered by your child?  Parenting discipline includes having a structure  that is there for your “family” even when you are off.  The Home Starter Kit has it all posted for you.  Keep track of the current Agreements that work for your family, refer to the four Communication Gears when your child is Demanding the *%$@ out of you, manage your chosen Privileges to motivate behavior choices (and they do NOT have to match the neighbors), avoid sounding like an idiot in public with your iron clad Rights worked out, let them know where you will not negotiate with Parent In Charge situations, but give lots of appropriate power through the Child In Charge list.  If you haven’t seen it you gotta check it out!

Open The Door.  Ever wished Supernanny could come to your house?  It’s certainly possible.  What you don’t realize is how much your parenting can improve even if the family is not in crisis.  A Parent Coach can see so many patterns at work in your family that are hidden to you.  It takes usually 4 hours over 2 sessions.  Go from parenting fail to parenting that amazes even you!

http://www.licensed2parent.com/self_navigation_parenting.html

Parent Coaching: Want a child who is a pleasure?

Is Your Child Good?

Hmmm. Words I wish could be surgically deleted from the vocabulary of the human race:  GOOD   BAD   RIGHT  WRONG   SHOULD   SHOULDN’T  & TRY  We wouldn’t even miss them much.  Except when we need to correct a magazine quiz or send back some turned meat.  

If you are relying on these words to explain the behavior of people in (or out) of your family;  you are unwittingly stuck in a trap.  A trap built of judgement and sprung by something different than how you see yourself.  Watch this.

Picking up a child at school/daycare:  Were you good today?  Child asking for mini golf:  Well, let’s see if you can be good all week.  Grandma serving dessert:  You’ve been so good today…

Labeling children or their behavior as Good points out very subtly, but surely, that they are capable of being BAD.  Even if you never say it.  Raising your child to gain your approval to be Good (OR not Bad) has long term effects that you are probably still dealing with yourself from childhood. 

So what’s an alternative?  (Note that it is not the right thing to do, just a suggestion to consider…)  Talk about what “Works for your family.”  Be clear what does not work for your family.  Note that different families have different agreements that work for them.  This is true tolerance. 

Expect and teach your child to be a pleasure, play a game that you will have no parenting moments, tell them when they have truly impressed you and acknowledge them for being the amazing creatures they are. 

Yesterday I told my son that while I could pick up his breakfast dish for him out of pure love, I chose to have him come do it so he would not drive his future wife crazy.  He respected that.  So will she…

Parent Coaching Tip: Bust Out Of The Victim Parent Trap

Fill in the blank.  My child is ________________. 

What are you dealing with?  My child is sneaky, stubborn, demanding, lazy, sensitive, ungrateful…  sigh.

Think about who fills in the blank.  That’s you!  A mindful, skilled parent sees a stubborn child and knows that they can fill in the blank with another skill too!  How about cooperative?  Considerate?  Inspired?  Independent?  Industrious? 

You can't choose your neighbors

The trick or game of parenting is to see what is needed in the blank and then provide experiences, opportunities and practice with those things.  It is a whole different approach to bringing up a child.  You are creating an adult by the way.  One that may work for me, marry into my family, buy a house next door or cause a fender bender on my way to work.  The experience I have with that adult you produce will be informed by what you have put into your own little blank.  Choose well.  And thanks in advance.

Parent Coaching: No You Share!

Must a Child Share? Do You?

You’re in the park and another child wants the toy your child is currently playing with.  Quick, what  would you do?  Be honest, how many times have you encouraged, expected, begged, coerced or forced your child to share?  Now ask, why you would do that?  To save face,  to impress the other parent, to teach your child to be nice or considerate? 

Next question:  would you lend your car keys, purse or husband to just anyone?  Even your best friend would know to ask nicely and expect nothing.  And some things are off limits.  Period.  So are adults really sharing in the way that we ask our kids to share?  Not really.  Yet the prevailing opinion is that sharing is good, being selfish is bad.  So what can a thoughtful parent do?

Stop making kids share is a good start.  If you want to teach consideration in a real world context, explore Trading as a replacement.  Instead of insisting that one child arbitrarily loses some power by giving up a toy or a turn to another, ask them to find something of value to trade.  When the deals start being made you have a whole new lesson to enjoy!

Kids who have trading skills have practiced finding things others will value, making powerful requests, accepting no as an answer, negotiating creative counter offers and finding a way to solve conflict without force.  Not bad for a day at the park!

Start your trading coaching right now.  To balance and include altruistic giving experiences for your child, get connected with a charity your family is passionate about.  Share your love, not your toys!

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Parent Coaching: Do Parents Keep Agreements?

Who Parents The Parents?

Yes, but not the same ones as your kids!  When House Rules are made by a family, it seems only fair that the adults and the kids are responsible for keeping them, right?  Not so much!

This may fly in the face of the way you have been doing things at home, but check it out:  The Agreements exist so that the children are taught a standard of behavior they are working on.  Take Being Grateful.   Kids need lots of practice with this one.  How about using a quiet voice inside?  Mom still struggling with that one?  No.

Think of the hundreds of Agreements parents are currently managing and those they have mastered over time; compare that to the Agreements listed for your family.  You figured out Be Gentle decades ago, right?  The Agreements are there to guide your child and provide a measurement for them to compare choices in the moment. 

When rules are broken, it begs a corresponding punishment.  Agreements are different.  If you don’t keep your agreement, you measure yourself (or your parent coaches you) and you choose again, knowing the consequences.  To encourage or expect a child to monitor adult behavior, point out when it is lacking and Demand a price be paid if  parent breaks their word is inappropriate power.  If you do it you are feeding the monster you are working to slay.

Adults manage their own agreements:  Speed limits, fidelity, businesses, mortages, bills, ethical and legal concerns are real and present.  Adults experience natural consequences for keeping them or not.   That is the real world, to do otherwise gives kids practice with an artificial world they can’t use to cope later on. 

There is more to learn, get the Audio Download on Agreements (and a bunch of other cool topics) here.  Five dollars for one/ 8 for $25. http://www.licensed2parent.com/services.html

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Parent Plan: Know What You Say

Most conflict in families are caused by Power Struggles, agreed?  Well what if you were causing ,say, half without even realizing it?  Would you want to know?  Good, I want to tell you.  It’s how you talk to your kids that is the problem.  You wouldn’t drive to work in reverse, so why are you asking a child “Can we go now?” or “Do you want to take a bath?”

These are the Communication Gears.  Knowing them makes for less upsets in families, period.  Suggest things that are low key.  Whatever dude.  Request when you are OK with getting NO or a COUNTER OFFER, and don’t when you aren’t!  When it is time to be the parent, make a Demand and be consistent, but use sparingly!  Commands are for saftey and danger.  Yell when you need to alert, not just to let off steam!!!! 

Now we can use this knowledge to teach our family or manipulate them.  Can you recognize the difference? 

Suggestions can be sweet OR sarcastic

Requests are made powerfully OR with a pretense

Demands convey respect OR dominatation

Commands imply concern OR exasperation

Start listening to How you say What you say.  Both mean something.  When your message and meaning match, you get better results.  To learn more on the entire family plan, visit the website and look for the Build A Better Family Starter Kit:  http://www.licensed2parent.com/services.html

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Confessions of A Parent Coach

Frustration happens... then what?

Struggles of a parent coach.  Hey, it happens!  I was sucked into rage and upset and directed it at my son.  This devastating moment happened when his cousin got hurt.  My nephew was bleeding, screaming and crying but my son was too busy defending himself (and his actions) to be concerned with that.  I really blew it, parent-wise.  SO where do I go from there?

Same as I would tell any parent, assess where things went downhill, create a calm moment to revist and debrief, choose the lesson for both and don’t forget to apologize, a few times!  When I told my son that I was sorry, he told me it was OK to make mistakes.  We got complete, learned a coping skill and moved on.  The nephew is ok too, thanks for asking!

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Parent Coaching: Finding the Right Impact

Families That Work In Action

You are getting good at this parenting thing.  Your child is not cooperating with getting ready for school, you have calmly mentioned the Agreement and the handy dandy Privilege they will lose if they don’t get a move on.  Feeling rather smug, you watch as they make their next choice. ..

Oh No!  They are goofing off!   That’s it, they lose their favorite toy today!  What’s that?  Did they just say, ‘I don’t care about that, I have other toys!’  Ohmigod, now what?

Identifying just the right impact can make or break your Parenting Moment, for now.  Power Struggle Management (aka Parenting) can be a tricky business.  Here are some tips to get you (and them) back on track.

Did you get the behavior you wanted?  Many times kids will push you to remove a privilege, then say they don’t care about it.  But notice first before you react…are they now cooperating, or doing as you asked, or stopping what was unacceptable?  We get distracted by the apathy and miss that they are minding now!  Focus on the fact that you got the behavior you wanted and ignore the fact that they won’t give you the satisfaction of admitting it.  Who taught them that little ditty anyway?

What else do they value?  Many times the biggest impact are things that are not, well, things!  Time with you, a chance to make choices about meals, outings, etc. the freedom to fill free time and hearing ‘yes, you may’ more than ‘no, you may not’ is worth more than you think.  Let kids tell you what they value by noticing what they ask you for consistently.  Then remind them that these things are privileges.  Choose wisely my child, choose wisely!

Is there something new you can add in?  If these others don’t work, you’re sunk…just kidding!  Find a way to start doing something they (& you) will love and have it be available often, but not always.  Then this thing can be put at stake when you need it.  Seems devious?  You bet.  Have you seen them work you over lately?  Think of parenting as a business, yet motherhood (or daddyhood) as where you really connect and create the relationship you imagined when they were tiny and helpless.  Keep what you choose to add in simple; make a blanket fort, read a bonus story, sip cocoa just the two of you, heart’s desire stuff…

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Parent Coaching- What’s the State of Your Parenting?

What future will be his?

Regardless of the state of the economy, we still have children to raise.  And looking around at the world today it seems critically important now, more than ever, to raise them well.  By providing parenting that is sound and educates each child, we will create high functioning adults.  Here are some intriguing concepts to digest on this momentous day.

Reform Has Not Worked-You’d have to be under a rock to have missed the decline in basic skills and coping skills in evidence these days.  The reasons are many and they compound one another, but look at it this way, we have focused reform on many areas of life to very little effect.  School reform is not working, no child left behind is way behind.  Public programs are barely making a dent in the face of the need.  Why have we not gone to the source of most of our society’s issues?  Parent reform is where we focus.

Personalized Parenting- The reason is that we see parenthood as an inalienable right and a deeply personal one.  No one wants to be told, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child.”  Well, what if something you were told could make a huge difference in how your family operates?  What if it could mean that your kids could be happier, more productive adults that became great parents because of the choices you make today?  Would you at least be interested?  We are counting on that. 

Resisting Change-There is a current of change flowing through families.  It is gaining momemtum and it is seeking a way to do things that is not based on the way things have always been done.  That is why our program works.  When parents sit and hear the basics the first time, they agree it sounds like a great concept but they wonder how it would apply in their own family. 

It is natural to think that what sounds so (why didn’t I think of that?) simple wouldn’t work with your kids.  It’s common to think that the challanges you have are unlike anyone else’s or impervious to improvement.  When it comes to making changes in your family, the thing to know it this:  you are not special and you are not hopeless!  When we hide behind being unique and beyond help, it does nothing for our children.  We make that change available.

The Difference- In our Coaching Events we see over and over again that something happens when you get the opportunity to watch your parenting as an observer.  The usual cycle goes like this:  something happens/ you tell your child something, they get upset, you get upset that they are upset, they get more upset (for more attention or power), you try to parent that they are upset…you can see where this ends up, right? 

When you hear the Licensed 2 Parent program, and then take it live into your family you may (for the first time) see how you getting emotionally involved with your child’s emotional reactions has been a flawed plan.  It contributes to the cycle.  Once you are trained to allow your child to be in charge of their own reactions, you can put into practice some techniques for coaching them through it and gaining some coping skills.  Then you become ready for the Advanced Coaching that is delivered within the second session of our live events.

At Licensed 2 Parent our goal is to make a difference at the source of the issue, the central conversation and interactions between parent and child.  We deal in the singular because it is sacred and is most powerful one to one, as opposed to sibling groups or team parenting.  When people can feel appropriate power as a child they don’t need to struggle for it.  When parents aren’t worried about errant children they can’t control, they can be amazing at their jobs and make a difference in the world. 

When faced with the thought, “Don’t tell me how to raise my child,” we teach this:  Consider they are not truly “yours,” they are someone’s wife, someone’s husband, someone’s parent.  What would that future spouse or parent want you to do?

Visit www.licensed2parent.com for more info.

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